Married men, alcoholics, abusers, kept men, chronically unemployed… If you have never met a normal man, does this mean that they no longer exist? Or is it just you are so catastrophically unlucky?
Many women are really sure that they’ve been catastrophically unlucky with men for their whole life. They end an exhausting relationship, and, having suffered a little on their own, they find a new prince, who soon turns out to be a beggar. Or drunkard. Or Blue Beard.
Not that there are no “normal” men, women simply do not see them. They aim only at men who will make them suffer. They keep making the same mistake, avoiding normal, healthy relationships with a maniacal persistence. What kind of magic is this?
Why you are looking for bad guys
As a rule, the main argument resembles the lines from Hamlet that people continue to bear their familiar burdens instead of rushing to the unknown. Whether these are stereotypes instilled by the parents or the negative (but prolonged) first experience – but something makes girls believe that there are no good men, each is cankery. Therefore, out of all evils, we choose the lesser, that is, the one that she has already become accustomed to and has endured in past relationships.
The habitual feelings – resentment, anger, sacrifice – return, and this a kind of stability for the “unlucky” women. Paradoxically, they enjoy repeating bad relationships. Some even admire their tragic fate, fatal passion, the ability to “understand and forgive.”
And it is completely useless running away from someone until the woman changes within and until her partner ceases to be a way to solve her internal problems. She will cry, suffer and move from one bad guy to another.
The second reason is described a million times by all psychologists is the model of the parent family. Of course, going on a quest, a woman does not look for an unemployed or a drunkard. She is looking for a man who will love her and listen to her. She is not looking for the one who will beat her – she is looking for a “real, brutal, patriarchal”, etc.
The selection filters are nestled deep in the subconscious. They are formed at an early age on the basis of the parental value system. The girl sees how her mother builds her relationship with her husband/man and takes her behavior as a model. The girl loves her father, but her father is an alcoholic, and she accepts alcoholism as inevitable evil in all men…
Can I change my filters?
You can! However, you need to make an effort. To do this, you have to learn how to choose worthy men. Yes, to learn. This can be done only after realizing that you are the most important thing in your life and having learned to live autonomously, without a man at all. Then you will have the strength to say: “Stop, I’m leaving, I’ve had enough”, if you are in a bad relationship, something makes you nervous and annoyed, if the partner does not respect you and offends you. Well, when you are used to the idea that a man in your life is just an option, when you are ready to give up a poor-quality product immediately, then you can only start looking for a high- quality one. Several psychological exercises will help you do it:
Make a list of qualities that your man should have. Write everything that comes to your mind. Then reread this list and cross out the mutually exclusive (for example, from the “responsible – reckless” pair you will have to choose only one item). Then, single out no more than six qualities that are really important to you.
Make a list of the three shortcomings that you are willing to forgive. Yes, there are no ideal men. However, there is nothing bad in living with a bald or short man.
Make a list of your own merits – at least 20 points. What exactly can you offer this man that another woman will not give him?
Finally, formulate the purpose of your relationship. What are you waiting for: sex, weddings, children, an escape from loneliness?
Well, now you know who to look for. Good luck!
