My wife is the second of four children who were raised in a frugal, middle-class household. To supplement her wardrobe, she babysat as a girl to earn money to buy clothes. She also sewed many of her outfits. Out of the blue — 50 years later — her younger sister confessed that she and their mother had often conspired to take my wife’s clothing, without her permission, for the younger girl to wear. This disclosure unearthed memories in my wife of finding her things out of place. The statement came without an apology and created great heartache. The question, “Why tell me now?” begs to be asked, but since the disclosure seems intended to cause hurt, it’s hard to envision the conversation. Your thoughts?
HUSBAND
I don’t know your wife, her sister or their mother, and it’s certainly possible that this story is as nefarious as you paint it. But I can also envision a more benign interpretation. My brothers and I often reminisce about our childhood misdeeds (and frequent attempts to pin them on each other). These are bonding stories and nostalgic, recalling a lost time when we were more present in one another’s daily lives. For us, apologies are neither offered nor necessary.
Your wife clearly feels differently, and I absolutely respect her feelings. If she sees betrayal in her mother and sister’s working in tandem to trick her, or if the story triggers old feelings of sibling rivalry, then I recommend further conversation. But unless there are bigger issues at play, it strikes me as unusual for an adult to feel “heartache” on learning that her mother gave her sister permission to wear her sweaters 50 years ago.
Your wife could ask her sister: “What prompted you to tell me this story now? It upset me.” A helpful conversation may ensue. Or if your wife is convinced that her sister’s motives were unkind, she could speak to someone else: A good friend or therapist might help her to unpack her feelings about this episode and these primal figures in her life.
Can I Crash at Your Place? I’m Cashing In on Mine.
My sister decided to rent her home on Airbnb for the summer. She will make several thousand dollars a week. She has a few vacations planned, but she also wants to stay in town for three weeks while her house is rented out. She plans to stay with friends and family, including me, during that time. Is she obliged to share any of her profits with her hosts during her stays? She has told me clearly that, as my sister, she feels no obligation to pay me.
