I am one of very few women who work at a company in a male-dominated industry. We have a client meeting scheduled that requires an overnight stay in a hotel. The company decided attendees would share hotel rooms. The owner asked if I would be willing to share a room with a male co-worker. The few other women attendees had already been paired up, leaving only men to share with. I said I didn’t mind. I felt like I had to go along with my boss, but I regretted it immediately. Now, the whole thing is making me so hesitant that I’m considering calling out sick for this trip. Thoughts?
ANONYMOUS
I’ve got 99 problems with your company’s roommate policy, but gender doesn’t even make the list. If the company can’t afford to house its employees in single rooms, it should cut the number of attendees. (Or find cheaper rooms on Airbnb or farther from the meeting site.) You are professional colleagues, not family members or lovers.
Business trips are draining. They often combine long hours of work and socializing. You deserve a few hours alone to recharge. You also deserve not to learn a solitary thing about your co-workers’ bathroom habits, nighttime wardrobes, possible snoring, early wake-ups, showering and dressing rituals, or preferred TV volume. Single rooms for all!
I wish you hadn’t agreed to your boss’s request. But I get the pressure you felt. (It seems as if everyone else did, too.) Don’t call in sick, though. That’s irresponsible. If you can afford it, go back to your boss and offer to pay half the cost of a single room for yourself. The company will pay more, but you will be contributing.
Or tell your boss that you’re uncomfortable sharing a room, after all, and propose staying for one day of meetings, skipping the sleepover. Respect your discomfort. Sometimes, being considered “difficult” is unavoidable. Let’s hope your (undoubtedly) aggrieved co-workers take courage from you and stand up for themselves next time.
Mom, I Believe Your Son Is Juicing
My younger brother (26) has always been vain. Recently, he has grown extremely muscular. I suspect he is using steroids to add muscle mass. The dangers of steroids are pretty well known: kidney and liver damage, especially. Would it be O.K. for me to tell my mother about this, or should I mind my own business?
OLDER BROTHER
What do you expect your poor mother to do? Ground him? You and your brother are grown-up men. I recognize that for many years your mother may have been the primary arbiter of acceptable behavior. But you must stop leaning on her now.
Talk to your brother directly: “I’m worried that you may be using steroids. I love you and don’t want you to damage your organs.” Then hear him out. Make sure your message is concern for him, though. (I let your crack about his vanity slide. You should do the same.)
Remember When I Bankrolled Your Life?
My now ex-boyfriend was fired two months after we moved in together. He was out of work for nine months, during which I paid the entire rent myself. When he got a new job, he began paying half again. But he didn’t offer to pay me back rent, and I didn’t ask. Friends and relatives are now telling me that he took advantage of me, and I should ask him to repay his share of rent for the nine-month period. I don’t know if he would agree. Should I ask?
HELEN
If your friends and relatives simply had to butt in, I wish they’d done so during your relationship with your ex. That way, you might have discussed a payment plan with him while he was accruing what your associates consider his debt to you.
There is no harm in asking him for the unpaid rent now. In the absence of an express understanding between you, though, he may claim to have thought your payments were loving gifts during a hard time. (Or he may pay you back!) Worst case, you’ll know to speak up about financial arrangements in the future.
No Vacancy
I am about to close on a two-bedroom house. I will occupy one room, and I plan to rent the other. It’s important to me that the renter is someone whose company I enjoy. As it happens, the seller already has one bedroom rented, and the renter wants to stay on. Should I meet her? I worry that if I do, and don’t want her to stay, it may hurt her feelings. Perhaps it’s better to avoid the awkwardness and simply have the tenant move out with the seller?
GRETA
I applaud your kindhearted worry. But it seems extreme to ignore a solution that may already be in place over the smallish risk of hurt feelings. (Don’t forget the alternative: The tenant may dislike you! But you’re strangers. So, who cares?)
Meet the renter and hope for the best. Just do it soon, so you both have reasonable time to make other arrangements if it’s not a good fit. This is probably all that any applicable law would require, too.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.
