When our first child graduated from college, his godfathers (a gay couple) gave him a substantial monetary gift. When our second child graduated, the godfathers were going through a messy breakup and failed to acknowledge his graduation in any way. We’ve never mentioned this to the godfathers. Our second child is now about to earn his master’s degree. He recently told us he feels sad that his godfathers remembered his brother’s graduation, but not his. Should we remind the godfathers to acknowledge our younger son’s upcoming graduation and what they gave our older child? Trust me, it’s not about the money. We are still close with both men.
PARENTS
Pro tip: When people say, “It’s not about the money,” in my experience, it’s nearly always about the money. And when they add “trust me” to the phrase, they are often signaling, inadvertently, that we shouldn’t. So, I approach your question with skepticism, though I totally get your protectiveness as loving parents.
If a young man in his 20s does not yet understand that his godfathers — and life, itself — will not always treat him the same as his older brother, or that sometimes people experience traumatic events (like messy breakups) that will eclipse his milestones, now is a great time for him to learn.
If you disagree, give your younger son a cash gift in the amount of the godfathers’ check to your older son. As for the godfathers, keep quiet about gifts. They have no obligation to give them. If you are planning a celebration in honor of your son’s new degree, invite them. But leave their commemoration of the event to them, as well as past dollar amounts given.
Cough, Cough
My husband and I were invited to a party at the home of a friend of a friend. Our friend canceled; we went. The host was generous and friendly and spoke with us for quite a while. He said that he would like us to come back for dinner soon, and he sounded sincere. The problem: He is a chain smoker, and my husband and I are sensitive to cigarette smoke. We coughed frequently while there, and when we got home, we took off our smoke-reeking clothes and left them on the back patio. We will probably have to dry clean them. How can we politely avoid this gentleman’s next invitation?
ANONYMOUS
If you are anything like me, friendly and generous new people are not exactly flooding into your lives. And if the only demerit on this man’s record is smoking, wouldn’t it be more rewarding for you and your husband to consider a workaround rather than how never to see him again?
You could reciprocate his kindness with an invitation to your place and share your sensitivity to cigarette smoke in the unlikely event that he lights up there. Or you could suggest meeting at a restaurant, where most states have laws that solve this problem for you. It’s your call. You can always say, “Sorry, we’re awfully busy these days.” But I’d choose friendship.
A Father-Son Issue
My father-in-law had an affair, which my mother-in-law discovered, five years ago. A nasty divorce followed, after 30 years of marriage. My husband now wants to repair his relationship with his father (who, in actuality, is a lovely guy who didn’t know how to get out of a marriage in which he was unhappy). My husband told his father he would like to meet his partner (the woman with whom he had the affair). But his father never makes definite plans. He is still awkward about the situation. My husband thinks he’s done his part by asking. But I think we should do more. Should I contact his father about meeting his partner?
DAUGHTER-IN-LAW
You and your husband may be mistaking cause and effect. Your father-in-law’s unwillingness to make a date may reflect his shame about his behavior in his marriage. The stalling is an effect, not the root of the problem.
So, rather than pushing harder for an awkward dinner for four that won’t change the underlying issue, encourage your husband to meet with his father alone. He can express his desire to move beyond the divorce and listen to what his father has to say. That may be the more productive path here.
Mind if I Offer an Opinion?
I have lots of plants in my office. It’s a hobby of mine. Many co-workers stop in to comment on them, ask for advice or check out new growth. Now and again, I’ll visit a co-worker who has an obviously struggling plant. Is it rude for me to suggest that they reduce watering, provide more light, etc.?
ANONYMOUS
Generally, it’s better to avoid giving advice to people unless they ask for it. But you present a novel exception: where the stakes are so low that it’s hard to imagine anyone caring about you butting in (except, perhaps, for another plant maven).
If you’re a stickler about overstepping boundaries, limit your advice to co-workers who have participated in the green-thumb club in your office. Otherwise, knock yourself out, plant person!
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.
