My husband’s boss, an executive at a multinational firm, came to our city on vacation and invited us to dinner. We made reservations at our favorite restaurant. When the bill came, the boss’s husband picked up the check and said: “We’ve got this.” We thanked them and said we hadn’t intended for them to pay. The next day, my husband received an email from his boss saying he just saw the credit card charge, which was larger than expected. He planned to ask the restaurant if there was an error. We were embarrassed; we ordered more to drink than them. So, we pulled up the menu online, totaled our share with tax and tip, and sent them a check. (It was $37 more than their share.) We apologized for not insisting on splitting the bill. Did we do the right thing?
WIFE
Well, you didn’t do the wrong thing, but you may have overreacted. In your view, the boss believed he was overcharged by about $40. That seems like small potatoes to make a fuss about, considering he hadn’t bothered to check the bill the night before and presumably saw you ordering more drinks. I would have thought he was concerned about a bigger error: a swanky bottle of wine added to the tab by mistake, for instance. You didn’t see the bill, though, so we don’t know the scale of the problem.
On the other hand, if the boss didn’t want you to pony up, why would he have shared his intentions with your husband? He could have saved a step and simply called the restaurant. Better safe than sorry, I suppose, when it comes to odd (or passive-aggressive) bosses. My advice now is to put this episode behind you. You settled up — for better or worse; now let it go.
Mistaken Condolences? Cringe and Move On.
My husband and I received an email from a club we belong to telling us that a fellow member — part of a married couple with whom we are friendly — had died. Unfortunately, we misread the note and believed that the husband had died when it was, in fact, the wife who had passed away. We sent flowers and a warm note to the wife when we should have sent them to the husband. Now, we are mortified! How do we recover from this terrible faux pas and send proper condolences — or is that impossible? I am happy to admit I am an idiot, if that helps.
MISREADER
You are not an idiot! I confess that I winced, though, when I read your email — as I’m sure you did when you recognized your error. Still, I found my way back to the heart of this matter pretty quickly: A friend of yours has suffered probably one of the biggest losses of his life. What’s a stray letter or bouquet of flowers compared with that?
Yes, you feel foolish. But don’t let your (understandable) embarrassment upstage your friend’s grief: This is not about you. Send another condolence note promptly. Apologize that your first letter may have added to your friend’s distress, and then set aside your error. Make sympathy for his loss the focal point of your second note. We all make mistakes; it’s how we respond to them that tells people who we are.
Part of the Family, and Not Just in Life
I just learned from the vet that my beloved dog of 13 years must be put down within the next few days. I work at a company that has a compassionate-leave policy for deaths in the family, but my boss refused the request of a colleague to take time off when her cat died last year. I think he was wrong, and I suspect I will need a couple of days off during (and after) my dog’s final illness. What should I do?
DOG DAD
I am sorry for you and your dog! Grief is grief. Take the leave if you need it. Tell your boss (or the appropriate manager): “A family member is dying, and I will be out of the office for two days.” In my view, that statement is wholly accurate.
Don’t lie, though. (That could be a firing offense.) If your coldhearted boss asks who is dying, be truthful. If he then denies your leave, take the days as vacation instead — and fight the unjust policy when you are in better shape emotionally.
No One Likes a Trash-Day Tyrant
My next-door neighbor (a single man) is a traveling salesman. He lives on the road from Tuesday mornings until Thursday nights. The problem: Trash pickup is on Wednesdays — which means he brings his trash bins to the curb a day early and leaves them out a day too long. I find this unsightly and rude. Any advice?
NEIGHBOR
Yes, as a matter of fact. Many people’s lives are hard, as your neighbor’s seemingly arduous schedule suggests. Don’t make them harder.
If this unavoidable issue with your neighbor’s trash bins bothers you enough, volunteer to bring them down to the curb and back to the garage yourself closer to the pickup time. Or you could pay a neighborhood kid a few bucks to do it for you — in either case, after securing your neighbor’s permission.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.
