I am a high school guy in a relationship with a classmate. Whenever I go to her house, her mom makes me feel welcome and accepted. But my girlfriend is often in conflict with her. Recently, her mom texted me that she’d read my girlfriend’s diary and asked why she was upset. (She added: “Delete these texts.”) I showed them to my girlfriend. She got really angry and told me to tell her mother not to text me. The texts were weird, but telling her mom what to do didn’t feel right. Now, my girlfriend is mad at me, and her mother is upset that I showed the texts. What do I do?
M.R.
Let’s start with the big takeaway: You have done nothing wrong. (Now, read that again to let it sink in.) It would be disrespectful for a teenage boy to tell his girlfriend’s mother not to contact him, though I do sympathize with your girlfriend’s distress. Her mother violated her privacy, interfered with her relationship and tried to manipulate you. (“Delete these texts.” What?)
Be the best friend you can be. Say to your girlfriend: “I’m sorry your mom treated you badly. You deserve better! I can’t control her behavior, but I promise to show you every text she sends me, and I will never respond without your permission. Does that help?” Also, keep your distance from her mother for now. It’s nice to feel accepted by our partners’ families, but your girlfriend needs help setting boundaries.
Maybe the kindest thing you can do for your girlfriend is encourage her to confide in another adult about this whole mess. Even if her mother has reasonable concerns, she has already undercut her ability to help her daughter. Perhaps a school counselor or teacher can step in.
CreditChristoph Niemann
Withholding
I met a former neighbor recently. Normally, I would have shared pictures of my new grandchild with my old friend, but I didn’t. Both of her children were killed in a car accident years ago. I’m not sure if I was being polite, or if I compounded her loss by isolating her from the joy of others. What do you think?
ANONYMOUS
Thank you for being so thoughtful. I have some news for you, though: Your former neighbor probably thinks of her children, without fail, several times a day. Years later, some of her memories may be happy ones, but many of her thoughts will be laced with pain. Your new grandchild probably won’t make things much better or worse for her.
The next time you run into her and you’re trading news of your lives, mention your grandchild. If she changes the subject or looks uncomfortable, let it pass. But if she brightens, ask if she’d like to see pictures. They may spur a happy moment between old friends.
Smells Like Generosity
My dear friend gave me an exploding cupcake for the bath in bubble-gum scent for my 54th birthday. Last year, she gave me a scented candle. The problem: I am allergic to scented candles, and I don’t have a bathtub. I’ve told my friend both facts on numerous occasions. My husband says: “Tell her!” But I feel bad that my dear friend doesn’t really know me. Thoughts?
ANONYMOUS
You know what I get for most of my dear friends for their 54th birthday? (Hint: It’s the same thing I get them for their 44th birthday.) Nothing! So, rather than turn your friend’s generosity into an existential crisis, speak up louder.
The next time she gives you a scented anything, say: “Thanks for thinking of me, but I’m allergic to fragrance. Have I not mentioned that before?” Then hand it back to her with a big smile. Same goes for exploding cupcakes — unless you know a middle-schooler who might actually want to bathe in the aroma of Dubble Bubble.
Hey, I Was Going to Buy That
My nephew and his fiancée are expecting their first child. I reached out to his mother (my sister-in-law), whom I rarely talk to, about a registry for the baby. She sent me a link, and I ordered the crib. Later, she sent me a sharp text: In her family, grandparents purchase the crib and subsequent siblings use it. She ended: “I wish you’d consulted me first.” This was extremely hurtful to me. Any input?
J.H.S.
Hang on! A silly text was “extremely hurtful” to you? How were you supposed to know about her family tradition? The whole point of online registries is to click and ship. If the crib was off the table, it shouldn’t have been online. If your sister-in-law had given this a moment’s thought, she’d probably agree.
But why make a fuss? Just say, “Sorry for the mix-up! Please ask the kids to exchange the crib for something else, then you can buy it, O.K.?” Not every grievance has to be adjudicated. Learning to shrug some off (especially when they come from people we barely talk to) can be a blessing. It comes with practice.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.
