I am an 80-year-old widow. Who would think that I’d be joining #MeToo at my age? I am lucky that many of the couples my husband and I saw when he was alive have kept me in their social circle. But one man, married to a good friend, has started kissing me full on the mouth and letting his hands roam when we meet. This is new. I wrote him a private email asking him to stop. He hasn’t. I also learned that he does this to other women. What to do? I don’t want to be ostracized by the group.
ANONYMOUS
I’m so glad you wrote! Like many abusers, yours seems to have calculated your relative power and assumed he will get away with his nasty behavior. (I receive many letters from widows who are devastated when their social circles dump them after their husbands die.) I hear the echo of that fear in your letter, and I respect your desire to handle this quietly and without being blamed.
But by ignoring your email, this guy has already proved that he doesn’t care what you want. For starters, avoid all physical contact with him when you meet — just smile and say hello. It may feel awkward to you, but it probably won’t be as noticeable to others as you suspect. (When he opens his arms to hug — or grope — you, walk on.)
You could also take aim at his inappropriate behavior. A sharp “Don’t!” in front of his wife is probably all it will take to shut him down. Just promise me that you won’t let this boor isolate you or keep you from seeing your friends.
CreditChristoph Niemann
Pronoun Problems
I volunteer for an organization that encourages staff to put their preferred pronouns in the signature line of their emails: she/her or they/their, etc. I am of two minds about this. I want to respect people’s preferences, but I’m not sure that this is the way to create a welcoming world. Using third-person plural pronouns (they/their) to refer to a single person causes confusion and calls undue attention to a person’s gender identity at work. Advice?
IVY
Calling people by their correct names and pronouns isn’t “creating a welcoming world,” Ivy. It’s a baseline for accuracy and respect. How would you feel about being called “he” all day? If the binary gender system doesn’t fit a co-worker, and the pronouns “they/their” do, any other usage is inappropriate.
Granted, this may take some practice. “They will be here at 2 p.m.” may cause some surprise when only one person walks in. But I reject your contention that “they” calls more attention to gender identity than “he” or “she” does. It’s simply newer — and a small price to pay to get it right.
You Really Can’t Remember Her Birthday?
Yesterday was my daughter’s fourth birthday. We had a great time! One set of grandparents called us on FaceTime. They wished her a happy birthday. Then we ate cupcakes. I wondered why the other set of grandparents hadn’t called. My daughter wanted to FaceTime them too, so we did. Pretty quickly, I realized they had no idea it was her birthday. My daughter even said: “It’s my birthday.” But they still didn’t get it. I feel awful about this, and fear my daughter may have picked up on it. It’s normal for grandparents to call on a child’s birthday, right?
ANONYMOUS
My mother occasionally forgot my birthday as an adult. And while it provided excellent ammunition for screaming matches, I never doubted her fierce love for me. Some people aren’t good with dates. And FaceTime conversations among several adults and at least one small child can be hard to follow. These grandparents may still not know they missed your daughter’s birthday.
Why not call them privately and let them know (nicely)? They may feel terrible and try to make it up to your daughter. Or you can offer to give them a head’s up next year, if their calendar system is not dependable.
But the important thing is that your daughter had a great time. Remembering to call on a specific day is an expression of love, not a proxy for it. But if it’s important to you, ask them to make an effort to celebrate your daughter’s birthday next year, on FaceTime or otherwise.
Thin-shaming
I was at a dinner party with a friend who has gotten heavier in the last year. At one point, she announced: “You can be thin, or you can be happy.” I took this as a swipe at me. I am trim and work at it, and my friend knows this. Thoughts?
ALANA
You ignore a primary fact of social life. Many of us are far too self-conscious to notice much about others. Your friend probably just wanted to explain her weight gain: The constant treadmill of diet and exercise was making her unhappy. So she loosened up. You aren’t obliged to agree. But it’s hard to see how this is about you.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.
