I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year. Occasionally, he goes into deep panics about his work and cancels plans — and not just with me. He cancels dinners with friends and important doctors’ appointments, holidays with his family and trips we’ve booked months in advance. I love him, and want to be compassionate about his panic and his work. But some plans are important to me. We’re supposed to visit my family soon, and he’s already threatening to cancel. He says: Everything will fall apart if he goes away. What can I do?
ANONYMOUS
I hate to break it to you, but there are some problems that even a loving girlfriend (and a well-meaning advice columnist) can’t fix. I am concerned about your boyfriend’s “deep panics” and doubtful that our civilian assistance will be a big help.
In my 300 years of working, I have encountered two main types of people who just can’t step away from their desks. The first is the egotists who really believe that things will go to wrack and ruin if they’re not there to supervise. They’re irreplaceable (in their own minds). This doesn’t sound like your boyfriend, though. Superiority doesn’t often lead to panic.
The second group is larger in my experience (and, sadly, includes me): workers who lack confidence, and fear that all of their imagined errors and incompetence will come to light the second they clock out. Panic makes sense if you truly believe, however incorrectly, that you’re about to be exposed as an impostor and possibly fired.
Planning ahead can help. Encourage your boyfriend to ask a trusted co-worker to keep an eye on his projects while he’s away. But the only thing that’s worked for me, I’m afraid, is talking with a therapist about why I suspect I’m not good enough. If he may be open to this option, suggest it gently. Otherwise, get used to traveling alone.
CreditChristoph Niemann
Gender Reveal? Come On, It’s 2019
My cousin got married recently. I’m happy for him. I was even a groomsman at his wedding. Now his wife is pregnant, which is also great news. But they’re going very heavy on the gender-reveal craze, which irks me. As a queer person, I disagree strongly with it: It reinforces a binary idea of gender, and erases transgender and intersex people. How can I express my discomfort? I’m finding it hard to embrace their good news when I disagree so strongly with their approach.
MIKE
You make a sensitive point, Mike. I respect it. But when the baby-industrial complex (which is huge) intersects with the untrammeled excitement of first-time parents and online over-share culture, a gender reveal is a natural, albeit cheesy and overdramatic, result. (And boy, is it popular.)
Of course, “gender reveal” is a misnomer. The most that ultrasounds show is sex at birth, not the ultimate gender identity or sexuality of an actual person. Can you focus on the mislabeling here? Maybe even point it out lightly to the future parents?
I would rather you save your energy for supporting your new cousin than squabble over the theory of a dumb party. True, the current information about the baby’s gender is incomplete, but it’s not nothing either. It rarely pays to pour cold water on the joy of others. And if you’re still uncomfortable, refuse the invitation nicely.
Oh. You Weren’t Supposed to Hear That.
My adult family and I went to dinner at an Italian trattoria. When the owner led us to a table near a family with bouncy children, I asked, in Italian, if he could seat us someplace quieter. He did. After we were seated, the woman from the table with children came up to me and said: “Don’t worry. We’ll be leaving soon.” She had clearly heard and understood me. I think she crossed a social boundary. You?
A.
Presumably, you wanted to avoid offending this woman by requesting a quieter table in a language she wouldn’t understand. (In my view, there would be nothing wrong with making this request in plain-old English.) Sadly, though, you chose a language that she (and millions of others) understand. She simply put you on notice that your secret code is not so secret. Was it teensy bit aggressive? Sure. But no worse than assuming you’re the only person worldly enough to speak Italian.
R.I.P. My Sister-Inflicted Pain
My older sister died at 86. Her memorial service will be held soon. I would like to tell those assembled how cruel my sister was to me for my entire life. I feel it would be extremely cathartic for me. My husband is begging me to keep still. You?
J.J.
Here’s to emphatic agreement with your husband! When people say, “Funerals are for the living,” they don’t mean in order to trash-talk the dead. Your plan could really hurt some of your sister’s survivors. Write a frank letter to her, instead, and keep it with your private papers. Not to be a goody two shoes about this, but there may also be catharsis in acknowledging her cruelty to you and forgiving her for it.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.
