Because marriage is an ever-evolving experience, we constantly shift, change and, in some cases, start over. In It’s No Secret, couples share thoughts about commitment and tell us what they have learned along the way, revealing their secret to making it work.
Who Darroch Putnam, 31, and Michael Rosandich Putnam, 32
Occupations They own Putnam & Putnam, a floral design company, and are authors of “Flower Color Guide” (Phaidon Press, 2018).
Their Marriage 8 years, 10 months and counting
Through the Years
Darroch Putnam and Michael Rosandich were married Oct. 2, 2010, before 50 family members and friends in Lenox, Mass. A family friend officiated. “Our parents walked us down the aisle,” Mr. Putnam said. “We had a wonderful group dinner, then we got on a charter bus which took us back to a tented party at my parent’s home in Albany.” The couple decided against hiring a photographer and instead captured the wedding with 200 photos shot by Mr. Putnam and family members on several Polaroids.
The two met in 2008 at Trader Joe’s in West Hill, Calif. Mr. Putnam, then 21, had positioned himself to be on a checkout line manned by Mr. Rosandich, a 22-year-old cashier. “I’d seen him a couple of times before and made it a mission to talk to him,” Mr. Putnam said. “I thought he was attractive. He had a sweet energy and beautiful blue eyes.”
Mr. Putnam introduced himself, and the two had a short conversation at the register. That night he sent Mr. Rosandich a Facebook friend request and a message asking if he would like to have a drink. The two met that week at a local bar and talked about their lives and aspirations. “I liked him immediately — I knew he was the one for me,” Mr. Putnam said.
Six months after their first date they moved in together. The couple relocated to Santa Barbara, Calif., so Mr. Putnam could finish studying photography at the Brooks Institute, and Mr. Rosandich could take classes at Santa Barbara City College.
Mr. Putnam proposed shortly after the one-year anniversary of their first date. “I woke up at 3 a.m. and just stared at Mikey and thought, I want to spend my life with this man,” Mr. Putnam said. “I woke him up so we could see the sun rise. He was super confused and didn’t want to get out of bed, but we got into the car and drove up a mountain. At the top we got out, and I got down on my knee.”
They were the first of their friends to marry, and to have a legal same-sex wedding in Massachusetts. The couple moved to Bushwick, Brooklyn, several months later. Mr. Putnam took a job as a photo editor. Mr. Rosandich, who took his husband’s last name, worked for an interior designer. Five years ago they started Putnam & Putnam, and by then were living in a 350-square-foot apartment on Manhattan’s Lower East Side.
In 2017, an apartment in a friend’s building in Clinton Hill, Brooklyn, became available. “We thought that apartment would be another place for us to go together, but within a month it became clear that it would be Mikey’s,” Mr. Putnam said.
What They’ve Learned
Mr. Putnam I’m the driver pushing us forward; he’s the creative power. He keeps me inspired. Everything we do is a partnership. When our business was formed our whole dynamic changed.
Mikey loves to travel and sees the beauty in the world. I’ve learned to see the world through his filter. He’s taught me to appreciate the present, to slow down, to acknowledge the good things we have. He has a sensitivity, gentleness, kindness and ability to love.
He was one of the reasons I got sober eight months ago. I was drinking heavily and I couldn’t turn myself off without a drink. It made me snappy and have zero patience. He was defending himself and snapping back at me.
I’ve learned to be more patient, and to appreciate the things that make Mikey, Mikey, that we’re here to help each other, not to duke it out.
Because we married young, we felt we missed dating and experiencing things on our own. We became resentful and jealous. We were also on top of each other in our apartment. We’d work together, gym together, see friends together. Separate apartments saved our sanity.
We spend one or two nights a week together at his place or mine. I needed to learn how to love and care for myself, which I have, and now I can be a better husband. I’ve learned to be home by myself, which before would have terrified me. I’m relearning who I am. Through this, we’ve learned to respect each other and get more perspective. I’ve learned to value and care for him more because of who he is and what he contributes to this relationship.
Mr. Rosandich Putnam During that first drink with Darroch, everything changed. He was different from anyone I’d ever met. He had a passion and intensity I was drawn to. He was very magnetic and really cute. He’s still those things. He saw something in me that no one else saw.
I’m passionate about travel and art; he’s passionate about making moves, changing his life and driving us forward. It’s because of him that we have become so successful in our business.
He’s taught me hard work pays off, to keep pushing and keep trying, that you should take care of the people around you. I’m emotional and sappy. He’s a bright light who grounds me. I’ve softened him and taught him to be more sensitive; he toughens me.
Along the way, we lost our independence and identity because you mold to someone else’s standards. That was very challenging for us. Living separately made me more confident and true to myself. Having my own time and being able to reflect was really helpful. I’m returning to my authentic self. When you work and live with someone, you don’t have time to miss each other. Now I do. Spending time with him is a choice. It added passion and excitement to our relationship.
Since he’s stopped drinking, he’s become more focused. He gets over things faster and doesn’t let stuff bother him. He’s much more forgiving. All those things have helped our relationship.
Marriage taught me to respect and embrace the bond you create with someone, to not give up. We’ve learned to slow down our lives, that nothing is as serious as you make it in your head. And if something’s not working, change it. If something is bothering us we talk about it, that’s been key. I’ve learned we’re human, we make mistakes, but anything is fixable.
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