We live in a city that is a Covid-19 hot spot. When the news became alarming, many of our friends fled the city, leaving empty apartments behind them. We stayed. I am active on a few neighborhood social networking sites where I’ve seen posts about nurses and doctors coming from other cities to help patients in ours. But they need places to stay. I get choked up just thinking about them! Is there a nice way to ask friends who’ve left town if they would let medical personnel stay in their apartments while they’re away? A Facebook post yielded lots of likes, but no concrete offers.
DEVON
It’s tempting to belittle Facebook likes — so puny compared to the bravery of nurses and doctors racing to hot spots to help. But likes are a good, kind start. For many, it’s hard to imagine turning over our homes to strangers. (Taking in medical workers as guests may be easier to conceive, but that could lead to infection in this pandemic.)
Still, I’m touched by your helping impulse. If you are serious about this, reach out to friends one at a time. Individual appeals carry more weight than Facebook posts. Start with close friends, especially those who have listed their apartments on Airbnb before. (They’ve worked through the logistics and liability issues already.)
Say, “I have a giant ask. Would you consider letting a visiting doctor or nurse stay at your apartment while you’re away? We need them here. And I’ll have your place cleaned after they leave.” Don’t push. Let your friends mull it over. If they’re uncomfortable, consider asking if you can move into their apartment, freeing yours for emergency medical workers.
Splitting Bills in a Crisis
Because of stay-at-home guidelines, I now live with a new boyfriend, which means shopping and cooking together. He eats significantly more than I do, including some foods I don’t touch. Still, we split the grocery bill, and I am paying significantly more for food than usual. How should I handle this?
ADAM
Judging from a surge in letters like yours, Covid-19 seems to have been a powerful catalyst in persuading many couples who were living independently to give cohabitation a try. Not so easy, is it?
I sympathize with your grocery woes. Try stepping back and looking at the bigger picture, though. Sure, he eats more than you, but are you twice as messy (while sharing cleaning duties equally)? Do you watch three times as much Netflix (but split the bill in half)? And I haven’t even touched on emotional labor yet!
If living together is a pandemic convenience, itemize the grocery bills. But if you want your partnership to survive even after we’re set free again, consider all the contributions each of you makes. If your expenses are still off-balance, raise the issue of fairness gently. (This is a lifelong discussion for many couples.) The cost of stinky cheese, on its own, seems like the tail wagging the dog.
Please Chill With the Drill
We are starting our third week of sheltering in place. Our neighbor is using this time to renovate his home. He drills, saws and hammers all day long. The noise keeps our 2-year-old awake at nap time, which is also the only time my husband and I can squeeze in uninterrupted work. I’d like to ask our neighbor if he would be willing to stop work during her nap time, but my husband thinks this might invite conflict at a time when we need to be extra polite. Thoughts?
D.S.
Now is definitely the moment for gentleness (on both sides of the property line). Normally, asking a neighbor to work around your daughter’s naps would strike me as excessive. But since most of us are stuck at home now, and nap time is the only time you can work in peace, I’m more understanding. Maybe your neighbor will be, too?
Call him and say, “Can we ask a favor of you that we have no right to ask?” Then lay out your request for 90 minutes of quiet time during the afternoon. If he agrees, thank him profusely. If he doesn’t, remember that he wasn’t required to, and consider trading off nap-time shifts with your husband. (At least one of you can work.)
This Is No Time for Commitments
Seven days into our coronavirus quarantine, our daughter announced her engagement to her boyfriend of two years. While we are thrilled for them, she is anxious to begin planning her March wedding immediately. I know it can take a long time to plan weddings. But signing irrevocable contracts without seeing venues in person, along with the decline in the economy, seems unwise. How should I handle this without alienating my daughter?
MOM
Let’s hope the euphoria of her new engagement is muddling your daughter’s good sense. First, make sure she knows how happy you are for her. Then tell her gently, but as firmly as necessary, that planning a party during a pandemic is a bad look for any bride-to-be. Promise to tour venues (and florists and caterers and dress shops) in person with her just as soon as Dr. Fauci gives us the green light.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.
