Because marriage is an ever-evolving experience, we constantly shift, change and, in some cases, start over. In It’s No Secret, couples share thoughts about commitment and tell us what they have learned along the way.
Who Rose Mandelsberg, 62, and Raphael Weiss, 60.
Occupations She is a former editor in chef of True Detective magazine. He is a quality engineer for the Defense Contract Management Agency, which is a key part of the acquisition process of products for the Department of Defense and other federal organizations.
Their Marriage 28 years 9 months and counting.
Through the Years
They married June 24, 1990 at the Hillcrest Jewish Center in Fresh Meadows, N.Y., before 158 guests. Both the bride and the groom had separate car issues and each arrived more than an hour late, missing their photo time. Ms. Mandelsberg drove herself and got lost en route — a police car pulled her over and ended up escorting her to the center. Mr. Weiss’s hired car never showed, and he had to call another car service.
The couple live in Plainview, N.Y., and have two children, both in their mid-20s.
Ms. Mandelsberg and Mr. Weiss met in 1977 at a Jewish singles weekend at Grossinger’s Catskill Resort Hotel in Liberty, N.Y. Ms. Mandelsberg, then 21 and an English teacher at a Brooklyn yeshiva, had driven there with her aunt, uncle and girlfriends.
While preparing for a party at the resort, she injured her eye. “I was doing my mascara and cut my cornea,” she said. “I was in so much pain, but didn’t want to miss the event so I put on sunglasses and went to the party. This skinny boy with dark skin and a huge Afro and dressed in a pale blue polyester suit came over to me and said, ‘What’s with the sunglasses? Do you think you’re a movie star?’ It was a snarky remark.”
That young man was Raphael Weiss, who Ms. Mandelsberg nonetheless found to be cute and intriguing.
Although Mr. Weiss was two years younger and a student at City College, they hung out together during that weekend. “He ended up being very kind and took my number and said he’d call. I didn’t think he would,” Ms. Mandelsberg said.
Mr. Weiss called that night.
The next week they went to a movie. She lived in Brooklyn and he lived in Bayside, Queens. They saw each other on weekends for movies, dinners and eventually sleepovers. Mr. Weiss graduated and got a job as an electrical engineer; Ms. Mandelsberg became an editor for True Crime magazines. They planned a wedding. Then Ms. Mandelsberg had an affair during their engagement. Mr. Weiss was heartbroken. They broke up, though they stayed in touch.
Four years later they started dating again. “I’d made a terrible mistake and told Raphael in the park one night that I will never ever leave him again. That was in 1989,” she said. “I told him, ‘You have to give me a second chance.’ He said, ‘O.K. We should get married.’ That’s how he proposed.” A year later they did.
What They’ve Learned
Ms. Mandelsberg I’m a hysterical, reactive person. Raphael is not. He’ll look around the room and say, “This is what we’re going to do.” He takes everything in and is very mindful. I’m chatty and outgoing. He’s more aloof, he holds back. I mistook being aloof for being cold. I’ve learned that’s called restraint; it comes from not wanting to hurt your feelings. He’s my biggest critic and champion. He successfully integrates both. He’s warm and caring.
The couple on their wedding day, June 24, 1990, at the Hillcrest Jewish Center in Fresh Meadows, N.Y.
I wasn’t good at filtering. I didn’t come from a filter family. When he met my family he said, “You’re all so loud.” I’ve become less so over the years with him. When I met his family, his mother was standing on her head doing yoga.
I’ve learned to channel my emotions in a positive way. I’m calmer now. I’ve gotten him to be more outgoing and to be more organized. When I met him he would lose everything, his paycheck in the movies, his sweater in a cab.
I love his heart; it’s enormous. He has great compassion. For the first four months we were dating he would visit my uncle in the hospital and read to him with me. That solidified our love for each other. He was very special. That took me a long time to see and learn.
When I got the job as an editor, my life evolved and changed. His didn’t. I dated a lot of the wrong men. I got to see what real goodness was by being away from Raph. After the breakup, I always knew I had to get back to him and make amends for what I had done. He didn’t just run back; it took him years.
I’ve learned no one is perfect, that in adversity you don’t run. You have to learn the values and what’s important. Raph had them at 19; he still does. We’ve weathered so much together. Our parents have died, we had a miscarriage, he was in the hospital for five weeks with meningitis. We’ve had wonderful times, too. We have two wonderful children. We support each other. I’ve learned we can get through anything together.
Mr. Weiss My memory of meeting Rose is not the same as hers. It was the following morning. I watched her in action for 20 minutes before walking over. She was the most interesting person in the room.
We’re compatible because she has a wonderful, kind heart. She’s emotionally generous, gregarious, dynamic, and finds most people interesting. I’m the other way around. I don’t want the crazies. I love how she cares for animals, people, and me. She’s beautiful and spirited.
In the beginning, both of us thought marriage was the logical conclusion. Both of us thought there were no issues until there were. Clearly she wasn’t ready. It was a slow crawl back after we broke up. We dated other people for a long time. My love for her was always there, but I didn’t think we’d end up together. Then I trusted her more and more.
I’ve learned to be less harsh and that I’m capable of being a team player. I saw things black and white, now I see lots of gray. Rose gets crazy when we argue. I get exceedingly logical; she gets emotional. I’ve learned that not everything is logical. I used to be outright quiet, now I’m more outgoing.
Had I disappeared, I would not have been better off. I take marriage seriously. I’m happily married. Rose and I have had better and worse times. We’ve gotten closer and closer over the years. That says a lot. It says this was the right choice. I stuck to the notion that making a relationship work matters. Working at our relationship has allowed me to understand my wife, and therefore, myself better. Our relationship gets closer because of that.
