Because marriage is an ever-evolving experience, we constantly shift, change and, in some cases, start over. In It’s No Secret, couples share thoughts about commitment and tell us what they have learned along the way, revealing their secret to making it work. (Answers are edited for context and space.)
Who Charli Penn, 37, and Gibran Watkins, 39.
Occupations: She is the relationships and wellness director at Essence Magazine in New York. He is an operations coordinator for Hardware Designs, a trade kitchen and bath supply company in Fairfield, N.J.
Their Marriage 9 years, 2 months and counting.
Through the Years
Charli Penn and Gibran Watkins married before 150 guests on Oct. 17, 2010 at Stone House at Stirling Ridge, a restaurant and events space in Warren, N.J. “My mother passed away from breast cancer when I was 9,” Ms. Penn said. “To carry her with me I had a locket in my bouquet that had a photo of my mother pregnant with me and one of us together.” A few months after their wedding, the pair tattooed their wedding date on their wrists, which, when they hold hands, touch.
The couple met in 2004. Ms. Penn, then 21, was at a barbecue at the home of her ex-boyfriend’s family in Teaneck, N.J. Ms. Penn and the boyfriend had split three months earlier after having dated for two years, but she remained close to his parents. At the party, a mutual friend said he knew the perfect guy for her. “I wasn’t ready to meet anyone, let alone that night,” said Ms. Penn, now 37. “But he already called his friend and told him to come over.”
Within the hour Mr. Watkins, then 23, appeared and introduced himself. “This magical setup happened,” she said. “I could tell he was serious about meeting someone. I appreciated his spontaneity and integrity. I was instantly intrigued.”
They talked for hours. Mr. Watkins asked for her phone number; she refused but took his. “I didn’t want a rebound guy,” she said. “I said I’d call, but didn’t. Over the next few weeks, I heard he was calling everyone who knew me and asking them to tell me to call him.” Ms. Penn conceded.
They began dating. During that time Ms. Penn applied to graduate school and was accepted to a two-year journalism program at the University of California, Berkeley. The following fall she moved to San Francisco. Six months later Mr. Watkins surprised her by following suit. “Time zones, distance, juggling school and a job took a toll on our relationship,” she said. “Seeing him standing in the doorway with his bags made me know he was the one.” The day after Ms. Penn graduated, in 2007, the couple went back to New Jersey and together moved into a one-bedroom apartment in Montclair. Two years later, on Christmas Eve, Mr. Watkins proposed and they married 10 months later.
What They’ve Learned
Ms. Penn My brain is always moving. He keeps me sane. He’s calm and level headed, loving, kind and has a generous spirit. He’s my constant. He reminds me to take care of myself, to take a breath. I had a lot of trauma in my life. He loved me out of my shell.
I’ve brought him joy and taught him to communicate, to have gratitude and to look at our life journey like we’re painting a long-term masterpiece. I’ll take a bad day to bed, or wake up with it. He’s taught me to let things go.
I’ve learned not everything is resolved in one night or one discussion. But you can’t take it off the table. You have to hold each other accountable and have honest conversations. I’ve learned it’s harder to fight when you’re naked because you’re more vulnerable, so our most honest moments have been in the shower.
We’ve learned what works for other people doesn’t always work for us, and to make sure we have alone time with ourselves and family. We’ve learned to defuse separately by giving each other 20 minutes of space before you get into what you want to talk about. I go on the porch with a glass of wine; he watches the Weather Channel. Then we come together and talk.
Gibran’s had a lot of losses and that’s been hard. It was paralyzing knowing I couldn’t fix everything. We’ve had trouble conceiving, that’s been hard on us, too. I’ve learned grief is a process. There are bad days and bad years. You can’t quit. You endure together when it’s bad. That’s how you get back to happy, which we did. We started with an impromptu conversation, and it’s been one continuous, wonderful conversation since.
Mr. Watkins She’s kind. I’m rough around the edges. I grew up in a low-income, rough neighborhood. She’s taught me to trust others and to be nicer. I’m a sit-back guy, quiet and reserved. She lights up a room. I love that. She sees me for who I am and keeps me grounded and sane.
Everything I’m horrible at she does well, and vice versa. Somehow we fit. She’s organized; I’m not. I cook and clean; she doesn’t. I’ve taught her to be tougher and not to take things so personally.
She’s taught me about love through the job-related things she brings home — ways to talk to each other, role-play exercises, which do work. I’ve learned to make her feel seen, to not have husband ears, which means to listen, to be present, and to check in. Love triumphs if you’re patient. Stick out the bad years because good ones will follow. I thought I was right about everything. I’ve learned to see her angle. I may not like it, but I can try to understand it. We don’t really yell. If someone respects you, you can argue without screaming or cursing.
Marriage has taught me to give each other space. If you can’t compromise, you can’t be together.
When my brother and best friend died four months apart, I was lost. I stopped communicating. I didn’t know how to get through the grief. Charli gave me space. She fought for us. She loved me in a way I’ve not been loved before. Things started to come back into focus. I knew she would never leave me so I had the security to heal.
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