My father, who died seven years ago, was estranged from his brother for over 40 years. (I don’t know why.) So, I haven’t seen my uncle in decades. On a whim, when I was writing Christmas cards this year, I sent one to my uncle. On Valentine’s Day, I came home to find a dozen red roses and a box of candy on my doorstep with a note that read: “Your Christmas card meant the world to us!” It was signed, with love, from my uncle and aunt. I wasn’t sure what to do next, so I sent another note, sharing the details of my life — and eventually I received another dozen roses on my doorstep. My sister is appalled that I reached out to our uncle: Our father would not approve, she said, and it might upset our mother. So what should I do now: honor my dead father’s grievance or give my uncle a call?
NIECE
My mother was extremely charismatic (and equally temperamental): She built bridges to others with ease and often burned them down just as quickly. So, I spent much of my youth monitoring her grudges and feeling protective of her. Do not follow my lead! You are a person first and your father’s daughter second.
I admire whatever loving whim it was that led you to send a Christmas note to your uncle. It clearly meant a great deal to him and your aunt. What could be wrong with that? It certainly doesn’t strike me that you love your father less because you were kind to someone with whom he quarreled. And if your sister feels differently, let her! We each walk our own path.
As for your next steps, they are up to you. Keep writing notes to your uncle, give him a call, invite him to lunch. You may do whatever you like — or nothing at all. You have already created a lovely patch of kindness here. So, trust your good instincts. (My only advice: Steer clear of the animosity. It is not your responsibility to broker peace among people who do not want it or to investigate the merits of cold cases from 40 years ago.)
So There’s This Thing Called the Internet …
My spouse and I (early 30s) live in the suburbs of a major city. We love entertaining family and friends from out of town. The issue: airport pickups. The public transportation option can be daunting with required transfers. But there are always cabs or ride shares that cost about $60. We pick up older guests or those traveling with young kids. Recently, though, people our age who live in cities have asked us endless questions about train schedules and other information they could find easily online. Are they fishing for pickups? Or can we tell them: “You’re a millennial with a phone. Google it!”
