My husband and I grew up in a religion that only allows active members to enter its places of worship. I recently stopped practicing the religion — a decision that is still very sensitive with my husband and our families. My sister-in-law is getting married, and I will not be allowed to attend the ceremony. Still, my in-laws want me to travel to the wedding so I can participate in the reception and photos. I know they mean to include me, but I am extremely anxious about going. Invariably, there will be gossip about why I don’t go inside the church. Yet I don’t want to estrange myself from my in-laws. Help!
ANONYMOUS
Listen, I get that you want help with your in-laws’ invitation, but can we make sure that you and your husband are squared away first? You lump him in with your families as feeling bruised by your decision to leave the church. But he’s your partner! Let’s prioritize him and your anxiety about attending.
Most of us change over time. And spouses often absorb subtle (and not-so-subtle) shifts in each other’s views. But big changes can spell big trouble if those views are foundational ones. (I’m not suggesting that you and your husband are in crisis. You are also fully entitled to the evolution of your beliefs.)
Helping him gently through your exit from the church and that part of your shared identity may have big-time benefits for your relationship. Tell him your concerns about the gossip and ask how he feels about your skipping the festivities. I respect your anxiety. But I also worry about his feeling abandoned by you.
What’s more, gossip may be inevitable whether you go or don’t. Your fears may be exaggerated, too: You aren’t the natural focus at another couple’s wedding. This call is yours, but making the decision with your husband (or at least trying to) may be more important than nasty chatter. If you decide to bail, send loving regrets to your in-laws and try to connect with them soon. (Their son’s support may help with this.)
CreditChristoph Niemann
Free for All?
If it hasn’t been raining for a week or so, I think it’s perfectly O.K. to take umbrellas left in buckets by the doors of bars and restaurants. My wife says they still belong to their owners. But I argue that the minuscule chance of owners returning for them transforms them into public utilities that we should share. Plus, umbrellas want to be used! She calls me a thief. I call myself a liberator. You?
PATRICK
I pity your wife if she is routinely subjected to your silly provocations. Personal property is not abandoned, as a legal matter, unless the owner intends to relinquish it. (And what if the umbrellas belong to restaurant staff? Then they haven’t been abandoned at all.)
But even if your practical analysis is correct, I still object to the selfishness of your conclusion. If you are really committed to stealing umbrellas to increase the public good (as opposed to yours alone), drop them off at Goodwill where their resale may truly achieve a greater purpose.
Just Us Ladies … and a Man
We are four ladies who lunch once a month. One of the ladies brings her brother at the last minute. He has a support dog for some emotional or psychological problem. He places the dog on his lap and feeds it from his plate. Three of us find this distasteful, to say the least! And we can’t have girl talk with him there. We think he’s strange. But how do we ask our friend not to bring him without hurting her feelings? They are close; he lives with her.
ANONYMOUS
My only hesitation here is whether the brother’s issues prevent your friend from leaving him at home alone. This may be a question of resources. Perhaps she brings him because she has to. If so, learn to live with the dog and the brother as a kindness to your friend. You don’t have to include her every time.
But if the brother is able to stay alone and she brings him anyway, be direct but compassionate: “We know you love your brother. But we’d like to see you on your own, so we can chat about things we don’t feel comfortable talking about in front of him. O.K.?” Leave the support dog and the brother’s table manners out of it.
I’m Too Old for This
I am 40. Every time I visit my mother, she tells me I dress “too young.” But I like the way I dress. Should I change what I wear when I go to see her?
KERRY
I am perversely happy to use a popular expression I really dislike: You do you, Kerry! You are a grown woman, not a teenager rolling your skirt as you slink off to junior high school. The next time your mother criticizes your clothes, respond: “So you’ve said. But I like them. Let’s agree to disagree, shall we?” Then change the subject. The time for her to have a vote on such matters has long passed.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.
