When my wife passed away a few years ago, I went into a deep funk and isolated myself from people. I don’t have family or close friends nearby, so I reached out to a woman I worked with for many years. There was a definite attraction when we worked together, but we never acted on it. She sent a terse reply saying she was in a long-term relationship and asked me not to write again. (We live 700 miles apart — not exactly conducive to seeing each other.) She’s refused to answer my subsequent notes. All I’m trying to do is get back to happier times by rekindling this friendship. Help!
D.M.
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m also sorry that your family and close friends live far away. But so does this woman you continue to write, even after she asked you to stop. You really have to! This may feel like a personal slight (or a challenge to win her over, like in a romantic comedy), but it’s not.
Your former co-worker told you clearly that she is uncomfortable resuming your friendship — which, apparently, had a component of attraction. You don’t have to be within sexual striking distance for this to be legitimate. For her, contact with you is unwelcome and possibly destabilizing to her relationship.
I get that sometimes it’s hard to take no for an answer. But friendship requires willingness on both sides. There’s no way around that. So, move on. I don’t mean to minimize your loneliness. But I won’t let you use it as an excuse to hound your former colleague, either. Reach out to another old friend or a family member instead, O.K.?
Girlfriend/Personal Assistant
My boyfriend of two years is super disorganized and often responds slowly to calls and texts. We’ve been working on how this affects our communication. But when mutual friends are trying to reach him (and don’t hear back), they often text me with messages for him: where to meet for dinner, etc. I feel like I’m in a pickle: I don’t think it’s my job to be his assistant, but of course I’ll take 30 seconds to pass on their messages. Am I being oversensitive?
AUTUMN
Absolutely not! There’s a good argument here that by acting as his facilitator, you are helping to keep him disorganized: Why should he call people back if you’ll handle it for him? Let him deal with the fallout of poor communication himself.
The next time a mutual friend asks you to pick up the slack for your boyfriend, say, “Trust me, I know it can be frustrating to reach him. But for the sake of my relationship with him, I’m not acting as his secretary anymore. I’m sorry if that puts you in a bind.” Share this message with your boyfriend, and voilà: carrier pigeon no more!
Her? Really?
My ex-husband and I divorced three years ago. We’re on friendly terms, but only speak to discuss our daughter. Since the divorce, my ex has invited my cousin and her family to celebrate Christmas at his family home in the country. I find this odd. They don’t have much of a relationship, and the only person my cousin knows there is my daughter. Also, my cousin is like a sister to me. (I am estranged from my own siblings.) I’ve told her how I feel, but she’s received another invitation this year and is inclined to go. I don’t have a Christmas tradition to invite her to. Should I raise the issue again or swallow it and be the grown-up in the room?
ANONYMOUS
For the record, no “grown-up in the room” would ever feel entitled to tell other grown-ups which parties they are permitted to attend. And aren’t you missing the more likely explanation, that your ex is inviting your cousin for your daughter’s sake? (Isn’t it good for her that your cousin is there?)
I would keep quiet about this unless you are willing to risk further family estrangement or create tension with your ex-husband. On the surface, it’s hard to see how this is about you.
Sorry, No Refunds
A friend invited me to join a 14-person group on a trip to Mexico City. I didn’t pay close attention during the planning, and we arrived at the Airbnb to find that it slept 10 to 12 people (at best). I cut bait immediately and got a hotel room with a friend in the group. Is it right to ask the others to refund our $250 contributions to the Airbnb, which we already paid? We made everyone else’s stay more comfortable.
TOM
It is bad citizenship to “delegate now and complain later.” (I should know. I do it often enough.) I bet you’ll keep closer tabs on planning the next time or, at least, ask about sleeping arrangements. And please spare me how bailing on the crowded Airbnb was actually a favor for everyone else’s comfort. I’m pretty sure you were single-mindedly focused on your own. No refund!
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