I am nearly 60 and newly divorced. My mother is 83 and has multiple health issues: She can barely walk and has profound deafness. She lives alone on a modest budget in a large house that needs repair. I live and work 200 miles away. I am moving into a small apartment until I get back on my feet after my divorce. A local friend runs errands for my mother, and I manage her finances. We don’t have any close relatives. Fortunately, she has begrudgingly agreed with her doctor, her friend and me that she can no longer live alone. She plans to sell her house, but she is burying me in guilt that I won’t let her live with me. I love her, but I can’t become her full-time caregiver now. I need to rebuild my life, but I feel terrible saying no. She would take me in without hesitation if our situations were reversed. Help!
SON
It makes perfect sense that you and your mother are anxious about the major changes in your lives. The unknown is scary! That makes it even more important to approach these issues methodically: First, your mother should be assessed by a gerontologist or someone with experience in elder care. Where either of you wants her to live is less important than where she can live safely. Don’t get ahead of yourselves, OK?
Once you both understand the level of support she needs to thrive, then you can discuss where she might live: an assisted-living facility, an apartment with visiting aides or with you (also with aides — though I understand you do not currently want that).
Still, you have not said that your mother has cognitive issues, so try to defer to her wishes where possible. That doesn’t mean she should live with you against your will. But it does mean that, during this decision-making phase, you both try to keep open minds. As a veteran of this difficult process, I can also tell you that guilt is not productive here: An arrangement that doesn’t work for you — selfishly or not — is probably not a healthy solution for your mother.
Discomfort With the Shift in an Innocent Friendship
When my daughter was 10, she formed a friendship with a 30-year-old man with Down syndrome at a family campground. They have kept in touch on my phone, and he even visited us with his family. Now my daughter is in high school, and we suspect that he has developed romantic feelings for her that are inappropriate, given their age difference. We’ve been ignoring his texts and feeling guilty. What should we do?
