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In recent months, people all over the world have taken to social media and to the streets to reject police brutality and injustice toward Black people.
Protests have erupted in the United States, driven by recent deaths of Black people, including the death of George Floyd, the killing of Ahmaud Arbery and the fatal shooting of Breonna Taylor. While tough conversations — with the intent to inform and provoke change — might be new among friends and colleagues, they are not foreign to interracial romantic relationships, where support and advocacy aren’t just bonuses. They are imperative.
“It’s important to have someone who is enthusiastically listening to and supporting you, and that you’re not always having to be in an educational kind of mode,” says Bill Schaefer, a 29-year-old writer and actor in New York. He and his wife, Jenny Rubé, 28, who is white, have been married for a year and half. They actively discuss racism and both the systemic and blatant effects it has had on Mr. Schaefer, who is Black. But the frequency of their talks and Ms. Rubé’s advocacy was not always as prevalent as it is now.
“There was one specific incident when we were in Vancouver and someone made a comment to me and I was just so totally caught off guard,” said Mr. Schaefer. “And she didn’t say anything — not because she was agreeing with him, but because she was also very shocked.”
The incident caused some strain on their relationship and simultaneously made Ms. Rubé feel bad, resulting in a well-received discussion and immediate change.
“I had never directly experienced an act of racism and did not know what the appropriate response was,” said Ms. Rubé. “I let him down by not speaking up and supporting him when it was important. My lack of action spoke for itself and at the cost of my partner’s hurt.”
And with the national attention these instances are receiving, more talks are being had and increased action is taking place. “I think for her, the light bulb that has changed is not being racist is not the same as being anti-racist, and now she’s really taking that to heart,” said Mr. Schaefer. “She’s really committed to calling out the stuff that she sees and rekindling blind spots in herself. Whereas, before she might’ve kind of stayed in her own lane.”
A lucid understanding of the trials and tribulations that Black people face in America is one that is not easy to grasp, but close-knit relationships have proven to create understanding and heightened awareness for non-Black partners. In a 2007 study led by George Yancey of the University of North Texas, 21 white partners in interracial relationships were interviewed and the research showed that white people who marry outside their race are likely to change their thoughts on how race plays a role in society. Additionally, white people who specifically marry Black partners are even more likely to think beyond theoretical ideas as a result of exposure to racism from being with their partner.
Zach Finley, 43, who is white, has always socialized in predominantly Black spaces through his work as a D.J. in Greenville, S.C., a city with a large Black population. “Very early on, I became comfortable being the minority and realized that those folks weren’t out to get me, like I was taught,” said Mr. Finley, who grew up in Greenville in a strongly Republican household with a heavy involvement in the church. “They weren’t people that didn’t look like me who were ready to rob me and steal from me and whatever else they could, if they had the advantage. It was actually the opposite.”
While individually, Mr. Finley never had to actively think about race, it wasn’t until he and his wife, Andrea Finley, 32, who is Black, had children that racism became a more overt issue that indirectly affected him as a father. “I think the turning point for us to really start having conversations was when our first son was born because when you have kids, your whole world changes,” said Ms. Finley. “So we realized that he won’t be able to move through the world as a white man.”
The couple had “the talk” with their son when he was five years old, where they explained to him that he can’t always do everything he sees his white friends do — a conversation that Mr. Finley did not have to hold with his older white son from a previous relationship.
Additionally, since marrying Ms. Finley and being more vocal about issues surrounding race, Mr. Finley has noticed a lack of support from some of his family and friends, especially in recent weeks. “I think that’s the hardest part about our relationship. It’s not us. We can talk, we can show frustration. We have a safe place, but I think what’s been most difficult for us in the past few weeks has been, in the age of Facebook and social media, you get to see whatever people are thinking. And some of those people are family members that we’ve had family gatherings for, and they’re either quiet as a mouse or they’re liking and commenting on racist posts,” Ms. Finley said.
Unfortunately, issues with extended family and friends aren’t rare in relationships between Black and white partners, often causing the Black partner to hold the white partner accountable and the white partner to figuratively pick a side. “The most common issues I see for interracial couples, specifically Black and white couples, is as the relationship progresses and becomes more significant, helping the people around the couple, meaning their family, accept — and I hate the word accept because it implies there’s something to accept — and get on board with the couple not just dating and being in a preliminary phase, but wanting to move in together or get married or have children,” says Dr. Racine Henry, a licensed marriage and family therapist in New York. “It brings up different cultural aspects and different racially themed conversations that then impact how the couple relates to one another.”
Dr. Henry’s clientele ranges between couples of different backgrounds, both intraracial and interracial, but it’s her Black-white couples that often experience strain from navigating how to properly support each other.
“I always encourage the couples to have these hard conversations about race away from therapy, when they’re at home, because the point of therapy isn’t what you do in the office, it’s what you do all the time in between in your real life,” Dr. Henry said. “Having these talks will make them aware of what comes up for each of them individually. You know, if the white partner feels like they’re always trying to defend themselves, what does that say about their partner to them? What does it mean to them to accept the fact that they may have been offensive and ignorant, and they’ll never truly understand being in Black skin and what that might mean for when they have children or go out to buy a home or go out in the world together.”
Dr. Henry said it is equally important for the Black partner to think about their own possible internalized racism and maybe some of the ways in which being with someone who is not Black is a source of shame or guilt for them. This feeling, she said, could stem from messages they may have gotten from childhood or their family, or even friends who indicate they’re doing something wrong or something nonprogressive by being with someone who is white.
Even younger couples face the same issues. Sharon Nealy, 21, met her fiancé, Buck Barfield, 22, when she was 16 and has seen tremendous changes and challenges over the course of their five years together. Ms. Nealy, who is Black, is attending the Medical University of South Carolina next fall, while Mr. Barfield, who is white, works as a welder, a job that Ms. Neeley says has gotten some negative responses from mostly Black people in her social circle where they live in Lancaster, S.C. “I get a lot of ‘this white guy, who’s not really even doing that great, comes in and takes the best of our Black women. There’s Black men out here that are doing great that would be a better partner for you and easier to be with,’” Ms. Nealy said.
In moments like these, Ms. Nealy defends their relationship. And while Mr. Barfield’s strongly Republican family has caused an ongoing wedge in their relationship, support from each other and being able to discuss race openly remains their top priority.
“It’s always been important for me to make sure that I have a partner that supports me and tries to make an effort to understand the best they can. It’s something I could not compromise on,” Ms. Nealy said. “We’ve always talked about race, but it’s heightened with all this going on. We went to a protest together the other day and he’s learning, he’s listening and he’s trying to be supportive without trying to take my voice either.”
Dr. Henry said that being open about differences is the only way to reach some level of understanding in how couples will handle them when they arise. “Race is never going to go away. It’s always going to be present and it’s just going to be compounded when you do things like move in together, have children, move or take new jobs,” she said.
And more than ever, when the 24-hour news cycle is bringing light to the unfair and unjust hardships Black people face, race is likely to drive every aspect of an interracial relationship.
“Having these talks really has implications around where they stand in their respective communities and whether the white partner is as liberal and progressive as they think and if the Black partner is as vocal and active about Black justice as they think,” Dr. Henry said. “There’s always going to be something from the outside that reminds you of what you both represent by being together, but also by being who you are individually.”
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