My husband believes that I am a germaphobe, and I believe he could be more vigilant. I love him, but he has a habit of touching his face during meals, then bringing his fingers to his mouth (to lick crumbs from them or put more food in). With the coronavirus, much of the media has been telling us that touching our faces is a big no-no. How do I gently impress on him that his habit is gross, as well as a potential gateway for infecting himself and others?
ANONYMOUS
As the designated disgusting person in my marriage, I am thrilled that you came to me with your question. Here’s the rub: You make an excellent epidemiological point. (We should all stop touching our faces.) But you made it using the language of disgust. You called your husband’s habit “gross.” (And it is!)
But visceral judgment like that will probably just hurt his feelings and make him defensive. Not helpful to your cause! Try to hide your revulsion and use neutral language about his behavior. If the coronavirus and gentle reminders are not enough to quell his face touching, ask him to wash his hands frequently. That helps, too.
I’m Not Allowed to Dislike My Dad’s Fiancée?
My brother and I are teens. Our parents divorced five years ago. We live with our mom full time and see our dad when he is available or feels like it. He has been dating another woman for seven years, and now they are getting married. Our dad has always wanted us to know his girlfriend and act like we love her. We’ve met her three times. (She lives in another state.) My brother doesn’t like her, and I can’t stand being around her. My dad tries to make us feel guilty by telling us we have to be open-minded. I agree, but it doesn’t feel authentic to be with them. She’s coming to visit. Advice?
DAUGHTER, 16
Let’s start with some things that would have been news to me at 16: Your father may have been a terrible husband, but he can still be a good parent to you. And there is no disloyalty to your mother in being more open to your father and his girlfriend. Try it, even if it feels awkward now. (Of course it’s inauthentic. You barely know her!)
You don’t specify your problem with his girlfriend. But you lay it on pretty thick with your dad: He only sees you when “he feels like it,” and he makes you feel guilty about his girlfriend. I don’t know him. He may be a monster. But if he didn’t love you and your brother, wouldn’t he have stopped trying to bring you into his life by now?
Have an honest conversation with him before his girlfriend’s visit. If possible, a family counselor may be a big help here. (Ask your father about one.) You may find his girlfriend isn’t even the issue; She may just be a place holder for your hurt and anger toward him.
These talks won’t be easy. But if you all commit to them, it’s worth a try. I respect your discomfort with the couple. It’s not fair to write off a person based on three stiff meetings, though. Try to suspend judgment for now. You’ve only got one dad. If he (and his girlfriend) are willing to put in the work, don’t throw in the towel yet.
Performance Anxiety
I swim on my college team, and not to brag or anything, but I do really well. I love practices and my teammates. But the actual swim meets make me super anxious. I hate the experience beforehand, but I love having raced after the fact — if that makes sense. Any advice?
PAOLO
I played tennis in school, and not to brag or anything, but I was definitely the worst player on the team. (Oh, and I threw up from nerves before most matches.) I understand exactly what you’re saying. Competing can be terrifying.
Talk with a few close teammates about your pre-race jitters. I bet many of them feel just like you. You can support each other. Also, start meditating. A short daily practice (with a group or an app) can help reduce anxiety. Here’s a sad fact, though: Even when we’re totally prepared, sometimes we have to swim scared.
No Body Talk
My close friend (a 28-year-old man) married a wonderful guy three years ago. They were both very fit. The husband is still fit, but my friend has gained a shocking amount of weight. (I’m talking 100 pounds!) I am really concerned for his health. When I mentioned my worry to his husband, he patted my friend’s huge belly and said: “More of him to love.” Should I let this go, or try to find out what’s going on?
CONCERNED
I know you mean well. But the intensity of our curiosity about a subject does not make it our business if it is not. And your friend’s body is none of yours. He and his husband have surely noticed his weight gain. And neither of them has asked for your help. I’d back off.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.
