I met my best friend in grade school. We lived in New York at the same time and both got married in our 40s; we bought second homes in the same town. During the recession of 2008, she and her husband suffered greatly. They had to move to a (nice) home in a less expensive city and sell their second place. Recently, I was offered a job in her industry and asked her about salary comps. She asked why I couldn’t see that talking to me about money made her intensely uncomfortable, and why I had been doing it for years. I felt stupid to be so clueless, then angry that she never mentioned it. Should I let this friendship go?
CATH
Because you didn’t communicate perfectly? No! Big financial hits, like any major reversal, often come with feelings of self-consciousness and shame. (Who wants to fail in broad daylight?) But while you say that your friend “suffered greatly,” you don’t mention checking in on her during that difficult period. That is not best-friend behavior.
Now, in your defense, your friend may have assumed a proud posture that everything was fine while her world was falling apart. (That happens too.) Still, the loving move would have been to extend yourself to her privately during the hard times: “You really O.K.?”
I suggest calling back and apologizing for your lack of empathy. (This doesn’t mean you were a bad person!) With close relationships, it’s important to explore when we drop the ball and why. You may have thought you were being kind by pretending everything was fine. Clearly, she felt differently. What’s the point of a best friend if not to hash out misunderstandings to do better next time?
Another Money Problem
A good friend attempted to repay his $200 cash debt with 10 $20 scratch-off lottery cards. When I objected to this form of repayment, he became angry, saying he was giving me a chance to win many times the original loan. I returned the cards to him and wished him good luck. Since then, I haven’t heard from him or received any repayment. What should I have done?
J.B.
Not to blame the victim here, but I wonder if by returning the lottery cards and summarily wishing your friend good luck, you somehow signaled that his debt — and your friendship — were canceled.
Or maybe he’s just a deadbeat. In any event, try to be clear when expressing complaints: “I can’t pay my student loans with lottery tickets. Please repay me in cash.” (Maybe text him that message today?)
Too Late to Apologize?
My husband and I were introduced by a mutual friend: his ex-girlfriend who had been my college roommate. When we started dating, a year after she introduced us, we both wrote letters to her saying we were sorry for hurting her, but that we wanted to maintain our friendship if that was possible. She ignored our letters. Now, a few years later, we are married and expecting a child. I want to reach out again to make amends. I am still sorry for hurting her and would like to apologize. I also love my husband and don’t regret our choice to be together. Any recommendations?
ANONYMOUS
Your letter reeks of unexplained guilt! If you and your husband didn’t start dating until a year after your friend introduced you, and she was already his ex-girlfriend when you met, why were you writing apology letters at all? I’ll tell you what I think: Either your friend wasn’t over your husband, or she found your behavior disloyal — and you knew it.
Were her feelings reasonable? Well, they certainly seem human. And she is entitled to hold grudges for as long as long as she likes. Still, her feelings may have changed. No harm in sending a friendly text or email. But stop apologizing. You made your choice. Sometimes, we can’t have it both ways no matter how much we wish we could.
In Sickness and in Sloppiness
Our polite 33-year-old daughter is about to marry a man with dreadful table manners. He chews with his mouth open, slumps and shovels his food, and brandishes his cutlery like weapons. His table manners revolt her. She won’t bring him to social events because he embarrasses her. She’s asked him to change, but he thinks she should love him as he is. (I weighed in and was also dismissed.) I’d love to hear an argument for table manners and how to learn them later in life.
S.
Alas, my aria on table manners must await another day. Right now, my priority is saving a man from marrying a woman who is revolted by him and by whom she is too embarrassed to bring into public. Where’s the love and respect here?
If this couple is unable to communicate and compromise effectively about something as low stakes as table manners, they should skip the honeymoon and proceed directly to divorce court. And you, S, should untangle yourself from your daughter’s most intimate relationship and let her sort it out like an adult on the verge of matrimony — which, perplexingly, she seems to be.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.
