In Unhitched, couples tell the stories of their relationships, from romance to vows to divorce to life afterward.
Frank Smith and Katie Smith met in 1988 at a party and married in 2002. Both were young, he was still in college. They started a family almost immediately, and had three children in a period of 37 months. With the pressures of children, they drifted apart. But divorce came almost as a surprise.
Date of Marriage September 2002
Date of Divorce October 2017
Age when married She was 24. He, 21. Now 44 and 41.
Occupations She is a writer; he is a plumbing and heating contractor.
Children Three, 16, 14, 13.
Where did they grow up?
Both in Maine. Her parents divorced when she was 12 and she didn’t see it coming. She told herself she would never divorce. His parents were together until his father died in 2003. “I had an idyllic upbringing and was close with my extended family,” he said.
How did they meet?
At a party; she was 23 and he 21. After one date they were a couple.
What was it about the other?
“She had a great sense of humor and was manager of a retail store, which was impressive,” he said. “She was also an older woman, an added allure.”
To her, he felt like home and made her feel attractive. “I used to go for the bad boy, but Frank was sweet, kind and didn’t have wandering eyes,” she said. They dated for more than a year before he moved in. After he graduated from college, he joined the family plumbing business.
Why did they marry?
She wanted children. “I pushed too much,” she said.
“I wasn’t ready but she convinced me it was time,” he said. They had three children in 37 months. They also bought a starter house, on four acres, and began building their life together.
How were the early years?
“My story is that they were great,” she said. His business did well and she quit her job to take care of the children. When Frank’s father fell ill a little over a year into the marriage, they already had a newborn. Frank was overwhelmed, he said. “My job was to take care of my wife and my kids and my father and also run the household,” he said. Their baby was four months old when Frank’s father died.
First signs of trouble?
When pregnant with their third child, she had no social life. He felt financial pressure, and she resented him spending time with friends when she was consumed with the children. “It didn’t seem like too much to ask for three weekends a year to fish, hunt and go to my high school reunion,” he said.
“Had we taken the time to invest in each other, having time apart wouldn’t have been too much to ask,” she said, in retrospect.
“We lost each other, the focus was all on the kids,” he said.
Did they try to work on things?
They did, but did not see a therapist. “I tried buying flowers, but she told me not waste our money,” he said. “With all my energy going into the kids, I didn’t have much left over for Frank,” she said.
What pushed them apart?
For six years they drifted. Her drive for intimacy was gone. They had spells where they connected, but they were inconsistent about making time for each other. “We fell out of love with each other and I think we were both sad about it,” she said. More than once, he said to her, “You always think the worst of me.”
She agreed. “I took him for granted, I was harsh and said things that were critical,” she said. “My patience was worn thin and I was snappy and wasn’t very forgiving.”
“I thought someday sex would come back, I was in denial that we were running on fumes, but it was hard to feel sexual after taking care of the kids all day and I didn’t know what to do or how to fix it,” she said.
He thought about divorce, but planned to wait until the children were out of high school.
Who asked for the split?
He did, when their youngest was 10. “I couldn’t imagine her being happy, and I knew I wasn’t,” he said. “When she didn’t make a move toward divorce, I did.”
She barely reacted. “I didn’t feel emotional, maybe I was in shock or denial,” she said. In January 2017 he moved into a condo.
Initially, they called it a separation, but even though they talked every day it soon became clear they were not going to get back together. She helped him decorate his condo and gave her blessing for him to start dating.
How did they move on?
He began dating and soon started the relationship he is in today. He introduced her to his new girlfriend and the women bonded right away. “I liked her very much and wanted the kids to see I was good with the way things were going,” she said.
The worst time for her was about a year in, when the reality of their split really hit. “I missed the family and realized that even if I married, I would never have that nuclear family feeling again,” she said.
How did they fare financially?
Together they worked out alimony and child support. She threw herself into building a career in order to get back in to job market and augment their alimony agreement, which extends seven years from the divorce date. “My goal was to make enough to support myself and my children,” she said. “It makes me feel better to know I can do this by myself.”
What did they do to start over?
They split the week with their children: he has them three nights a week, she four. She threw herself into work, redecorated the house, took the children on trips, and read a lot of self-help books. It took her a long time to date. “I’m not in any hurry for a relationship,” she said.
“My new relationship has opened an entirely new chapter of life,” he said.
Is their new life better?
“It’s better in that I have a healthier relationship, but worse in the loss of time I have with my kids,” he said.
For her, it’s mixed. “I’m more me, have great friendships and am in the best shape in my life, but I’m still sad and I mourn the stability I had,” she said.
Would they have done anything differently?
“I don’t think so,” he said.
“I wonder if I should have tried harder, but I had plenty of time to talk him out of it, and I never did,” she said. “Deep down we couldn’t put together a future.”
Looking back, what advice would they offer?
“Keep nurturing the relationship when kids come along,” he said.
“Move toward what feels right, there will be really hard times and you will miss each other, but staying together because you are lonely is not a good enough reason to stay married,” she said. “Like isn’t the same as love and kids deserve to see parents who love each other.”
What is life like now?
“I miss being married, but new doors are opening and I have three nights a week free,” she said. “I am more confident knowing that I don’t have to depend on a partner financially.”
“I’m traveling, enjoying my relationship and generally feel good about life,” he said.
Advice for others divorcing?
“The kids will be fine, and hopefully I’m not fooling myself,” he said.
“You will likely find that you are more capable than you think you are,” she said. “I used to think I needed a man to take care of me, but it’s not true. Don’t think of the what-if’s, take it a minute at a time.”
Continue following our fashion and lifestyle coverage on Facebook (Styles and Modern Love), Twitter (Styles, Fashion and Weddings) and Instagram.
