I am a woman who works at an all-boys high school with a predominantly male faculty and no senior female administrators. (I begin this way because I don’t think women at the school have any extra professionalism points to lose.) A female department head, who does excellent work, often wears pants that are so low-cut that her butt crack becomes visible when she bends over or leans forward from a seated position. I have witnessed this in meetings with male colleagues and students. It makes me uncomfortable. Should I say something to her? She must be aware of the situation, or maybe not?
ANONYMOUS
Let’s start by challenging the premise of your (well-intended) question. Your school doesn’t have more female teachers or administrators because it chooses not to hire them, not because women are any less professional than men. It’s a trap to demand perfection of people before we give them a fair shake. (We’ve also seen how women who seemingly meet the bar of perfection are often derided as unlikable.)
I applaud you looking out for female colleagues. But it doesn’t sound as if you’re pals with this woman or that policing faculty wardrobes is part of your job. More important, though, speaking to her about the cut of her trousers will have no effect on the representation of women at your school.
Forget about her backside. It’s none of your business. Approach her on different grounds. Ask if she’d be willing to work with you to promote greater diversity in hiring. (If a committee already exists, ask her to help you make it more effective.) That’s the way to make strides here, not by calling out the clothing choices of other female workers.
I Said No Gifts!
I invited some friends to a birthday party in my honor. The invitation clearly stated that I did not want gifts. I suggested attendees donate to a charity I support in case they wanted to make a donation in my honor. Some friends brought gifts anyway. I am considering returning them and reminding the givers of my wish not to receive gifts. I’d like them to listen to me the next time. Is this approach all right?
BIRTHDAY GAL
Don’t you hate it when people exercise their free will? You organized a party for yourself — which, I assure you, etiquette hard-liners will squawk about. You selected a charity to which guests could donate cash. You probably even served cake. But you’re drawing the line at a few token presents? Step away from the gift table!
Just be gracious and try to appreciate your friends’ affection for you, even if they didn’t follow your orders. (They don’t have to!) If you can’t bear the gifts, give each one to someone who may. But if I hear that you’ve returned a single present, I will personally deliver 15 scented candles to your door.
A Not-So-Sweet New Year
My brother and I have always had a rancorous relationship. Still, we keep in touch by seeing each other with our families at the holidays. This year, my wife and I will be traveling over Rosh Hashana. Recently, I asked my brother if my son and his family of four could join them in our absence. He said no! He claims that he assumed our children would be traveling with us. So, he invited friends to take our places at the table, and it would be “awkward” to add more seats. I am furious that he is forcing my son’s family to celebrate alone. What should I do?
SAM
Can you put this down to an unfortunate misunderstanding? I don’t know anything about your brother’s relationship with your son or when you asked for his family to be included. But some people are better at entertaining than others. To flexible hosts, adding five places to a full table is no biggie; to others, it’s the end of the world.
I hope your son’s feelings aren’t hurt. But your brother is hardly forcing him to celebrate the holiday alone. If the prospect of your son’s exclusion continues to distress you, though, perhaps you and your wife should rearrange your travel plans.
But the Miles
My dearest friend just passed away. He and I traveled together extensively, four or five times a year. A week before he died, he told me that he wanted me to have his 850,000 credit card miles to enjoy more trips. I was honored. We planned to transfer the miles to my account the next day, but he was taken to the hospital instead. My husband thinks I should forget about the miles and not mention them to my friend’s brother, whom I know well. Your thoughts?
C.M.
I’m sorry for your loss. But your friend’s family is grieving now too, and the credit card miles are the last thing they should have to think about. I agree with your husband: Let this go (but cherish your friend’s kind intention). As a general matter, promised gifts are not enforceable after the donor dies. And the last thing you want is a tussle with your friend’s brother.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.