I go to college in New York City and live with my best friend. She’s from here; I’m not. I Googled her parents recently (for fully innocent reasons). I knew they were wealthier than my middle-class family, but I had no idea they were buy-a-record-price-penthouse-and-make-the-headlines rich! I was shocked: My friend is humble and avoids status symbols. Still, she has immense privilege and connections that I don’t. I’m also rethinking our decision to split checks and her correcting me on minor facts. (It seems condescending now.) I think I need to raise her family wealth. You?
JANE
Leave the rich girl alone! Our friends reveal themselves to us at their pace, not ours. This woman’s family money never affected your relationship before you went Googling. So, why force a conversation that may be hurtful to her before she’s ready? Would you be so keen to chat if you discovered she was dirt poor?
You call her your “best friend,” but it sounds as if you’re still getting to know each other. The fact that you had no inkling of her family’s wealth, together with her modest manner, suggests that she’s trying to fit in — not win special advantages. The closer (and safer) you feel together, the more you will probably confide in each other.
This friend is one of many people you’ll meet in college whose background differs from your own. That includes students who’ve had fewer advantages than you, too. Navigating those differences is an educational journey in itself. As you embark on it, be sensitive and try not to lean on assumptions. We’re all self-conscious.
Now, I’m pretty sure you know that you’re not entitled to subsidized meals from your pal or free passes when you get your facts wrong. The real “privilege” here (to use a loaded term) is deepening your friendship with a good person. And that doesn’t depend on shared tax brackets or yachts in St.-Tropez. Be patient!
CreditChristoph Niemann
Do We Really Need to Know?
My co-worker constantly sends work emails that end with “Sent from my iPhone.” It’s fine if they’re just to me, but when our bosses or clients are involved, I think they’re embarrassing and tone-deaf. We have a close working relationship and a casual work environment. Can I say something? (She’s a tad sensitive.)
ANONYMOUS
Like most people I know, your poor colleague is probably responding to work emails during most of her waking hours. And like many of us, she is using a device that insidiously advertises itself with every message. Happily, there’s an easy fix to remove those branded signatures from emails. (Just go to “Settings.”)
But sadly, it’s not your business to tell her. I bet you mean well, but you don’t get to decide what’s “embarrassing” or “tone-deaf” about her work unless she reports to you. Leave this to her bosses. If you just have to butt in, say: “Look! I figured out how to get rid of that annoying iPhone signature.” But don’t mention her emails.
Of Renovations and Graduations
My husband and I are in the middle of home renovations. We’re doing a lot of the work ourselves. So, our schedule and budget are tight. We’ve already agreed on family visits for the year. But now, another invitation has popped up: my husband’s cousin’s high school graduation. Most of his family are attending, but I don’t want to go. I love his cousin, but I’d rather send him money for his gap year than spend three times as much on plane fare and hotels — not to mention sitting through two ceremonies. I don’t mind if my husband goes, but do I have to join him?
UNSURE
One of the great advantages of not living in a monarchy is the absence of command performances. Of course you don’t have to go! You don’t mention your husband trying to press you into the trip, so I’ll assume you’re O.K. on that front. Don’t try to steer him away from going, either (unless you really can’t afford it).
Write to the young graduate: “I’m sorry I can’t make your big day. We’re in the middle of construction on our house. But your cousin is coming, and he’ll bring my love!” This response has the advantage of being reasonable and true. And rolling with unforeseen family requests is an important quality in a good partner.
Some Friends
Some friends from work invited me to dinner (and kept aggressively refilling my wine glass). Then they shared what I assumed were my private remarks with higher-ups at work. I would like to clear the air, but they don’t want to address it. Should I force a hard conversation?
ANONYMOUS
I hate it when people tie me down and force me to drink! Start by acknowledging your own responsibility. You drank. You talked some trash (presumably) about the company. Now you have a metaphorical black eye at work. I’m sorry you feel betrayed, but I don’t see what a “hard conversation” gets you. These people are not your friends; stop pretending they are.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.
