Because of distance, my tween daughters and I visit my parents once a year. The first few days are festive. My sister, who lives three miles away with her family, calls the attention to us “unfair” and “obnoxious.” During our last visit, she left my parents’ house exasperated. Later, she phoned my mom, and my daughters secretly listened in on the extension. My sister trash-talked me, and my mother replied neutrally: “Uh huh, uh huh.” I know the eavesdropping was wrong, but I’d like to tell my mom how hurtful and abetting her behavior was. Any thoughts?
ANONYMOUS
I’ve always identified with the prodigal son’s unheralded brother. So I have lots of thoughts here. The first, though, is that you should make time for a stern talk with your daughters. Tweens are too old to be listening in on other people’s phone calls. Their behavior was sneaky, violated privacy and caused pain. Make sure the girls get that message, and that they understand how their behavior hurt you.
As for your sister, try a little tenderness. She lives near your parents and probably sees them all the time, helping out in all the ordinary ways that you would if you lived nearby. I’m thinking, without any justification (other than personal experience), of appointments, errands and routine dinners. She is probably logging more parental mileage than you.
It’s not your fault, of course, that you live far away and your visits constitute special occasions. But spare a thought for your sister at the “welcome home” feast that’s given in your honor. A little jealousy seems pretty natural. (And if that feeling is a pre-existing condition, there may be spite too.)
But, whatever you do, don’t say anything to your mom about this. For starters, you shouldn’t know about the call. She was only letting your sister vent, just as she would do for you. And she can’t change your sister’s feelings. You don’t want them to quarrel, do you? If anything, make a special plan with your sister during your next visit. Take her out and show her the perks of your coming home.
CreditChristoph Niemann
It Was Only Stuff, but It Was Our Stuff
My husband and I lost our home in the California wildfires. We’re in our 60s, so we also lost a lifetime of personal belongings: irreplaceable photos, letters and heirlooms. We were fortunate to be well insured, but the process has been brutal. Still, when we see friends, they often compound the hurt: “It was only stuff, right?” Or: “Think how fun it will be to shop for all new things!” They make me want to weep — or scream. How can I help them understand without chasing them away?
ANONYMOUS
For some reason (that I cannot explain), your friends believe that a sincere expression of condolence — “I’m sorry for what you’ve been through” — is not enough. So, they try to find the bright side in a devastating wildfire. (Good luck with that!) In these moments, try to remember their good intentions. And if you feel like it, say, “I appreciate your kindness. We’re lucky to be safe. But that’s the only upside here.”
Step Away From the Beer Bucket
I like to have friends over for drinks. I put a large bucket of beer and wine on the terrace and consider it self-serve. But occasionally, guests designate themselves bartenders and make sure that no glass goes unfilled. I appreciate the help, but these volunteers are often the guests who drink too much and encourage others to do the same. Any suggestions?
R.
I get your laissez-faire impulse with the drinks. It creates a casual mood. But as host, you have a responsibility (and in many states, a legal duty) to make sure that your guests make it home safely and without hurting others. So, I’m glad you wrote.
Keep an eye on the bucket of drinks and on those who may be over-serving. Ask the self-appointed bartenders to pass hors d’oeuvres instead of booze. (Offering food with alcohol is essential!) And don’t be shy about asking guests to slow down or stop drinking, or help them find a ride home. Done privately, it’s awkward only for a moment. And it’s absolutely required to keep people safe.
Now You Want to Talk?
My ex-boyfriend broke up with me four years ago. It was very tough on me. I had just been hit by a car, which resulted in serious physical and emotional injuries. He cut off all contact with me, cold turkey, and wouldn’t discuss our relationship at all. Now, he’s begun sending nonchalant messages again. I’m not interested in responding, and frankly, it’s painful to do so. But I don’t want to treat him the way he treated me, so I respond politely. Help!
ANONYMOUS
It’s not your job to take care of this guy. If you’re convinced there would be no healing for you in talking through the breakup now, reply: “You hurt me badly when you broke up with me, especially the way you did it. I don’t want to talk. Please stop contacting me.” If he writes again (other than to apologize, to which you need not respond), block his number. And if the messages are triggering, skip straight to the blocking.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.
