My stepdaughter is in a polyamorous relationship with a married woman. My husband and I are saddened by her choice; we see no happy ending for her. Worse, after losing her job and apartment recently, she gave guardianship of her young daughter to a friend so she could stay close to her girlfriend. My stepdaughter now wants to visit us with her girlfriend. In the past, we’ve refused. But my husband is softening to the idea, so I will go along with him. They want to take us out. But I will not “double date” with these women at restaurants. I plan to keep myself very busy and otherwise engaged during their visit. Am I being too inflexible?
ANONYMOUS
Try to imagine the pain your stepdaughter may be suffering to have given up her child, even temporarily, to be with the person she loves. It sounds like a perfect time for her to reconnect with her father. What I can’t see is the upside (for anyone) in you positioning yourself as the antagonist here. Can you find some compassion ASAP?
I am not asking you to change your opinions about polyamory or parenthood for yourself. But having some flexibility about what arrangements work for other people seems required of you now. And I fear that cold rigidity on your part may only damage your relationships with your stepdaughter and your husband (if you drive his daughter away).
Right now, no one knows how your stepdaughter’s romance or her bond with her own child is going to turn out. Be the kindest host you can be. Entertain the girlfriend warmly to allow your husband to have as much time with his daughter as possible. They probably have a lot to discuss. And you can be a huge help with that.
Part-Time Relationship Rehab
Two weeks ago, I had a falling out with a close friend I met at a part-time job that I’ve since left. It was very much my fault. I accepted that after I apologized, she might not want to speak to me again. But recently, my financial situation has me considering whether to pick up that same part-time job again. I don’t want my friend to think I’m forcing myself on her and drive her farther away. Should I try to find a different part-time job, or would the contact bring us closer together?
NERVOUS FRIEND
Do not use the job to try to mend your friendship. (That seems like interfering with her livelihood.) Keep them in separate buckets. If you find a comparable part-time gig (similar hours, pay and engagement level), I suggest you take it.
If you prefer your former job, though (or can’t find another), call or write your friend in advance of your return: Apologize for the possible intrusion and tell her you will try to keep out of her way. Then reiterate that you would like to work through your issues off the clock if she is willing.
Formalities
An old friend won a prestigious award. We are invited to a celebration in his honor. The invitation says “white tie.” My husband owns a tuxedo, but others convinced him that white tie is nonnegotiable and he must rent it. We can afford it. But I’m fairly sure he could wear his tuxedo, he wouldn’t be the only one, and nobody would care. Your thoughts?
LOIS
For readers not obsessed with European royalty or Nobel Prize winners — OMG! Did your pal win one? — white tie is the Mount Everest of formal wear for men. It mandates a black suit jacket with two long tails, a white vest worn over a formal shirt, and a white bow tie (rather than the standard black).
There was a time when distinctions among formal dress codes were significant. But today they seem pretty silly. If your husband wants to join in the rare fun of wearing white tie, let him go for it! But I agree that a tuxedo or dark suit conveys an appropriate level of respect for most events not taking place on the world stage.
Why Did She Get to Choose?
A co-worker at the university library is retiring. Our custom is to pitch in for an engraved clock that is presented to the retiree at a party. In an email invitation, my supervisor told us that this co-worker would prefer not to receive a clock. Instead, whatever money we raise will be put on a gift card. I find it tacky that she engineered her own gift. Am I the one with the problem?
CO-WORKER
Well, since your boss apparently agreed to your co-worker’s request, you do seem to be the only person with a problem at the moment. Generally, when it comes to gifts, I subscribe to the preschool mantra: We get what we get, and we don’t get upset.
Mantras and customs can change though. And engraved clocks seem fusty. Your co-worker would seem less grabby if she hadn’t started this discussion about her own gift. (I wouldn’t have.) But the subject is now open, if you want to raise the issue of retirement gifts among your colleagues.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.
