Send questions about the office, money, careers and work-life balance to workfriend@nytimes.com. Include your name and location, even if you want them withheld. Letters may be edited.
Hi. My name is Katy, and I am your new Work Friend.
When I tried out for this position last fall, I thought that I was applying for a permanent gig, but — just like millions of other people all around the world — I ended up receiving an offer for a temp job. I’ll be answering your questions for three months, after the quarter-long reign of the Styles editor, Choire Sicha.
I once had a permanent position as a recruiter. This was back in the Aughts, when newspapers and magazines were thicker and full of fawning profiles of the wealthy and their gorgeous shirts. I was a poet, and like poets everywhere, I ended up working at a quantitative hedge fund.
Over 12 years working for a boss and then for myself, I read hundreds of thousands of résumés and interviewed thousands of applicants as they sweated in their starchy suits. I learned an entirely new language, Corporatese, which is full of the most beautiful phrases — like “hands-on” (to describe people who actually do things), “off-line” (to describe a conversation that could get someone in trouble) and “absolute return” (which is simply what an asset returns over time, but which always reminded me of some sort of fancy weight-loss tool).
In other words, I am an expert!
I hope you will write to me at workfriend@nytimes.com, but today I thought I’d kick off my rotation by answering some of my favorite work questions from the scary wilds of Reddit. Why anyone would ask a bunch of anonymous strangers for work advice on a message board when one could ask a brilliant temporary expert like me is, itself, a question for the ages. In the meantime, here are some queries about death, if we’re really being honest about it.
Is This Real Life?
I’m 25 and female, and I work full time. I get seven to eight hours of sleep per night (with some nights of four or five, here and there). Do I just look permanently tired now? Is this adult life? I have pretty huge dark circles under my eyes that I try to cover with makeup, but you can see the “indents.” At the start of this year I tried to bring down the puffiness by putting frozen spoons on my eyes each morning. Inadvertently, I think I may have “shrunk” the fat cells around my eyes, leaving me looking even more gaunt.
— carmensandiego1985, via Reddit
The bad news is that 25 is just about the magical age when your cells stop reproducing as efficiently as they once did, and your body begins to become an increasingly inaccurate and haggard-looking copy of itself. This means that you do indeed look permanently tired now, at least relative to how you looked before.
The good news is that this happens to everybody, so there is a vast trove of accumulated human knowledge about how to make yourself look just a little bit less tired. Have you had your thyroid checked? That can cause dark circles beneath the eyes, and it can also lead to weight gain. Do you smoke or drink to excess? Is it possible you suffer from anemia? It would probably be a good idea for you to visit with a doctor just to make sure nothing is wrong with you besides your chronic lack of sleep. (They could even take a look at your eyes, though from what I just read on Google, you would be unlikely to kill fat cells in your eyelids with frozen spoons without also visibly damaging your skin and maybe even your eyeballs!)
In the short term, yes, concealer is the answer. A brightener around the eyes can also help, and be sure to use one of the newfangled no-smudge mascaras that are made out of congealing tubes and therefore don’t flake or run.
At least you have a full-time job, which means you will accumulate more wealth as your youthful vitality drains out of your body. This is better than not having a job.
No One Can Hear You Sleep
About two hours ago I got stung by scorpion. Luckily I only have minor symptoms, but damn did it hurt and I’m still in a lot of pain. I have work in six hours and I can’t sleep because of this pain. And I can’t contact anyone to tell them I won’t be able to work because it’s 4 in the morning. This is my first job and I’m not sure what to do. Should I get sleep and wake up way later than I need to go in or do I stay up and wait to contact one of my bosses to tell them I can’t come in?
— AGSappy, via Reddit
This is a really weird question, but what you’re asking isn’t all that weird. You can’t sleep. You’re in pain. (According to WebMD, you’re not going to die.) I get it. But unless your job requires that you operate heavy machinery or that you operate on people’s hearts, you have to get dressed and go into work even if you’re in pain and freaked out by having been stung by a scorpion! You can’t just call in sick.
It doesn’t matter if you slept or not. Your boss doesn’t care if you slept. Your co-workers really don’t care if you slept. I hate to break it to you, but in this life, there are a lot of things besides a scorpion sting that might keep you up at night. You have to get to work on time.
You’ll Be There
I recently noticed a co-worker of mine quietly crying at her desk. She opened up to me a couple weeks ago about some relationship issues, but didn’t go into much detail beyond that. I like and admire her a lot, and I want to let her know I’m here to talk if she needs it, but I don’t know her very well and I’m afraid I’ll come across as nosy/like I’m injecting myself in her business. Should I reach out to her at all? How would I start that conversation? Or is it better to just stay out of it?
— lizbites, via Reddit
Some work advice columnists would tell you to be a human and reach out to this sad person. Some work advice columnists would tell you to be a vicious corporate climber and not reach out to this sad person. I am going to tell you that work is long. You are hired into environments with other people, whom you did not choose. They could be serial killers for all you know. At the very least, they could turn out to be vicious corporate climbers.
If you befriend someone too quickly and then discover that person is vicious, you will be trapped, potentially for decades. If you befriend someone slowly, on the other hand, you are more likely to achieve a trusting friendship that may last for years — and well beyond the cubicle. There is plenty of time to make friends in the workplace. And if she really needs to talk it through, your sad friend can find someone outside the office.
Katy Lederer is the author of three books of poems and a memoir. She has worked as a cashier, a sociological researcher, a poker player, an editorial assistant, a recruiter and a professor. Write to her while she is still in the job at workfriend@nytimes.com.
