I live in a small apartment building where you can easily hear what’s going on in other people’s apartments from the hallway. I was leaving recently and heard my neighbor yelling at her 8-year-old son about his homework. She was shouting things like “You’re worthless!” and “You’re an awful child!” I was heartbroken for the boy. If I had heard his mother abusing him physically, I would have called the police. But what should I do about verbal abuse behind closed doors? I know this neighbor pretty well. I see her in the hallway all the time; she’s friendly and nice.
NEIGHBOR
The language you overheard was brutal. There’s no doubt about that. Still, it’s important to separate what we actually know here from what we don’t. You heard only one part of one interaction between a mother and her child. What we don’t know dwarfs that: What happened before and after the shouting? Was this an isolated incident, or is it a regular occurrence? Was the mother under tremendous stress that day?
I think it’s helpful that you have a friendly relationship with your neighbor. Talk to her when you see her, or knock on her door if you hear raised voices again (if you feel comfortable doing so). Be compassionate; we’ve all done miserable things. Tell her you overheard a rough exchange with her son and let her know you’re available if she wants to talk or if she needs someone to watch him for an hour so she can take a walk — again, if you can manage that.
In the meantime, keep your eyes and ears open. This is a complicated situation: We know just enough to be worried, but not much more. If you want to discuss this episode further or talk through other options, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. It can be a great resource.
The Limits of Bridal Prerogative
I am part of a longtime foursome of friends: my fiancé, two close friends of ours and me. For months, we have discussed having our wedding in the lovely backyard of one of the friends. We even asked him to officiate. Recently, this became a big problem for our other friend. She has had (unexpressed) romantic feelings for the wedding officiant for years and confronted him after he started seeing someone else. The conversation went poorly, and she has now decided she never wants to see him again. We asked her if she could put aside her feelings for the wedding, but she refused. What do we do now? Ask her to reconsider? It would mean so much to have both of them there.
BRIDE
Forgive the tautology, but our friends can do only what they can do. You have already asked your friend to set aside her distress for the sake of your wedding, and she has told you she can’t do that now. From a distance, this may seem overdramatic, but we don’t know what happened between your friends or how it makes her feel.
Respect her boundaries and proceed with your wedding. I understand this is not your preferred result, but sadly, brides do not have subpoena power. Try not to resent her, either. Years of friendship — with more to come, I hope — strike me as more valuable than being present on a single (big) day.
Not the Usual Lie About High Breeding
A guy I know — a friend, I think — often lies about where he got his dog. At the dog park, he claims frequently to strangers that he rescued it. But he told me he bought it from a breeder. He even gave me the breeder’s contact information. Sometimes, I want to call him out when I hear him lying. It seems like he’s virtue-signaling to people he doesn’t even know. Would that be terrible?
FRIEND
Here’s a distinction I would make between “a guy I know” and “a friend”: I may have little compunction about calling out a guy I know publicly in a lie. (It might even be fun.) With a friend, though, I would be more interested in understanding why he was telling the lie. And I wouldn’t want to embarrass him, either.
You’re right: It is odd for him to be so concerned about his image with strangers, but I’m glad he was truthful with you. Have you considered asking him about this privately? If there’s any chance that he’s a friend of yours, I would go that route — and then take it from there.
The Sweet Side of the Surveillance State
I happened to check my Ring camera and saw my neighbor walking up my driveway to fix the cover on my car. It had blown off in the wind. He was unaware that he was being watched. He was just being a good neighbor. Should I thank him for his good deed, or will it offend him that he was under surveillance?
M.
I don’t think many people would be shocked to learn that neighbors use video technology as a security measure. And as you point out, being seen wasn’t what motivated the nice guy next door. He was just being neighborly, and you witnessed him by chance. Thank him for his kindness!
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.
