The sweet spot
A reader would rather not attend church or recite Bible verses at his wife’s family reunion. But he’s not sure what to do about it.
CreditCreditHeidi Younger
By Cheryl Strayed and Steve Almond
Dear Sugars,
I’ve been an atheist for many years. My loving and spiritual wife accepts me for who I am. Her family doesn’t know that I’m a nonbeliever, however, and we are both concerned that they’d be dismayed if they found out. In a few weeks we’ll be attending her family reunion for the second time. The reunion includes a number of longstanding traditions, the most important of which is attending church two or three times a day. The services are very participatory and involve singing and reciting Bible verses. Because almost everyone attends, they’re an important place to socialize with relatives during the weeklong reunion. I’d prefer to skip these services because it makes me uncomfortable to recite and sing religious messages that I disagree with, especially when everyone except my wife will believe that I’m being genuine. But if I don’t attend, I’ll miss out on important opportunities to mingle with relatives I rarely see. More pressingly, my absence would be obvious, and I’d have to explain why I’m opting out, which would likely upset my in-laws.
My wife thinks that it’s mostly harmless for me to attend church and that revealing my atheism is not worth the trouble it’d cause. But I’m proud of who I am, and I don’t want to pretend to be someone I’m not. Because family is important to both of us, not attending the reunion (or having my wife go alone) isn’t an option. What should I do?
Faithless
Cheryl Strayed: Every pickle I’ve ever gotten myself into has come about by doing what you did last year at your wife’s family reunion, Faithless: by being foggy instead of transparent; by believing “mostly harmless” is the same as harmless; by playing along in order to keep what I assumed was the peace. But I was wrong. Every time. There is no way around who you are. There’s a price to pay for pretending otherwise. So tell the truth now before it becomes harder to do so. It’s only this: You enjoy attending your wife’s annual family reunion, though you do not share her family’s faith. This fact doesn’t have to be delivered in the form of a big announcement. You can reveal it simply by being your authentic self. Perhaps you’ll bow out of the church services. Perhaps you’ll attend the services but refrain from participating in the parts that make you feel uncomfortable. If family members ask why you’ve opted out, tell them you don’t believe in God and so it feels wrong to take part in activities that make it seem as if you do. It’d be unfortunate if they decided to distance themselves from you because of that, but not as unfortunate as the other scenario — the one in which they welcome you into their lives only because they believe things about you that aren’t true.
Steve Almond: The cover-up is always more damaging than the truth, Faithless, especially when the truth is simply the revelation of who you are. I’d talk with your wife before anything else. You say she accepts you for who you are. But clearly that acceptance doesn’t extend to being forthright with her family. That’s the real conflict here, and it’s one you mustn’t dodge. I’ve had to learn this lesson over and over again in my life: A conflict deferred is the exact opposite of a conflict resolved. It will only become more disruptive and dangerous over time, as your frustrations mount and your lives become more complex. (Think about having children and the questions that will arise over how they should be raised.) You need to tell your wife what you’ve told us: that you’re proud of who you are and don’t want to pretend to be someone else, to her family or anyone else. This is no doubt frightening, because it brings into focus a divide that both of you may have avoided fully acknowledging to this point. The question now is whether you can work together to bridge that divide. Pretending it doesn’t exist will only widen it.
CS: Our beliefs dictate which holidays we celebrate and how we celebrate them. They inform how we invoke meaning on the occasions of birth, death, marriage and other life passages. They guide us in interpreting ourselves and the world. You’ve presented us with a conundrum about one particular annual event, but you’ll be asking yourself the same question over and over again until you resolve it. Will you allow your wife’s family to know you truly or will you maintain a polite facade? I understand why you’ve been reluctant to be open up about your atheism. It sounds to me like you’re a fairly new member of your wife’s family and it makes sense that you’d want to fit in by at least seeming to share their beliefs. But artifice is unsustainable in the long haul. It’s time to replace it with honesty instead.
SA: Every enduring system of faith preaches this same lesson — to walk in truth. At the same time, it’s important to recognize that religious differences don’t preclude the sharing of sacred values. I’ve never believed in God. But I do believe in the sermon Jesus preached on the mount, the notion that faith resides in our capacity for mercy, in rejecting the false idols of wealth and power, in the love we extend to the least among us. So rather than labeling yourself as an atheist, it might help to think of yourself as someone with an affirmative belief system that doesn’t happen to include an unseen omniscient force. As you discuss this with your wife, I urge you to embrace those aspects of her faith — an emphasis on family, for instance — that are precious to you. I’d also keep in mind a few other truths. First, that your wife’s spiritual path led her to you. Second, that you’re not asking her to forsake her family, only to accept you as openly as you do her. Third, that you should be open to seeking the counsel of friends, relatives and even professionals. And finally, that every human union is an act of faith, both in yourself and your partner. Keeping that faith is hard work, which is how you know it’s the right work.
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