Three friends gave me a gift card for my birthday several months ago. When I tried to use it recently, the balance showed zero. But that wasn’t possible; the card had never left my wallet. The store manager discovered that one of my friends (who purchased the card) went back to the store with her receipt, had the card reissued and used it to buy a dress. The manager gave me all the documents. I couldn’t believe it! When I told my other two friends, they were furious. They had all contributed equally to the card. They say I have to confront her. I don’t know what to do. Advice?
J.J.
Now, that’s what I call a lousy birthday gift! The first thing to do is eliminate the (admittedly, small) chance of a misunderstanding. Perhaps your friend had a store credit that somehow got mixed up with the gift card? Or maybe, short of cash, she used your card, but intended to replenish it before you ever found out?
I disagree with your friends that you are solely responsible for handling this. You were all hurt by your dress-buying friend’s behavior. Have them join you if you want support. Say calmly: “I tried to use the gift card, but it seems you bought a dress with it.” Show her the documents and ask her to explain.
Unless she is a hardened scammer, she will probably feel guilty and ashamed. In my experience, this cocktail often leads to angry denials and absurd rationalization. Give her some time to explain herself honestly and apologize. We all make mistakes. Perhaps your friend can redeem herself by apologizing sincerely and repaying you.
I’ll Be There for You, Maybe
My good friend and I live on opposite coasts. He didn’t attend my wedding four years ago because money was tight. I wish he’d budgeted better. He knew about the wedding for a year, and it hurt my feelings that he didn’t prioritize it. He may not understand how special a wedding is to the person getting married. I suspect his wedding will be coming up soon. (He has a wonderful new girlfriend, and their relationship is going great.) I can afford to attend, but I feel petty about it. I should be a big girl about this, right?
ANONYMOUS
I get being disappointed by friends. But I’m much sorrier that, over the course of four years, you haven’t been able to remove your bridal goggles and really see this situation from your friend’s position. He couldn’t afford the trip! (And, apparently, you didn’t offer him an airline ticket.)
Yet even as you look to the future, your perspective is limited by an imaginary wedding of a couple that isn’t even engaged. I urge you to broaden your outlook. If your friend is good to you, put aside this wedding nonsense. If he’s not, deal with it directly, but without further reference to wedding bells.
Sorry, Mom, but My P.T.O. Is Precious
My mother is spending a month in Portugal. She wants me to visit for a week. The logistics are possible, but the truth is I have no interest in spending a precious week of vacation time with her. She’s lovely, but we have little in common, and I prefer to limit our time together to a few days. (I don’t want to fly to Portugal for two nights!) So, I lied and told her I don’t think I can get time off from work. This may be true, but really, I have no interest. She’s still pressing me to join her. Should I tell her the truth?
RYAN
Never be harsh in refusing kind invitations. I would stick with your (possibly true) story that you can’t get time off from work instead of telling your mother that you couldn’t bear to spend a week in Portugal with her. That’s just mean.
Whether it’s in Europe or closer to home, I think you should take her up on her invitation to get to get to know each other better as adults. Spending time with her in a novel setting may help you discover her in new ways — not simply as your mother. You may come to see her as a person in her own right. Try it sometime, O.K.?
Where Was My Invite?
We received a Christmas card from friends we’ve known since the ’70s. It included the usual photos and updates, but also a glowing description of an elegant retirement party for the wife earlier in the year. My husband and I were not invited; we didn’t even know about it. Now I feel hurt to have been excluded. Was the card tacky, or am I being too sensitive?
MIFFED
In my experience, retirement parties are generally attended by colleagues and immediate family. If you hadn’t even heard about it, you’re probably not in close contact. A retirement and its celebration would rank as newsletter-worthy in most years. And if you’re old enough to have made friends in the ’70s, you’re old enough to know that we can’t all be invited to everything.
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