I am the mother of a 26-year-old trans woman who is just beginning her social and physical transition. We are happy she is living her authentic life and thrilled that she is confident about it. When we spend time with her, she is always with her new partner (a woman she is completely besotted with, who is supposedly engaged to someone else and practices polyamory). The trouble: They can’t keep their hands off each other. I am uncomfortable watching them run their fingers up and down each other’s thighs, especially now that my daughter wears miniskirts. How can I ask for some modesty in their displays of affection?
ANONYMOUS
You have really loaded your letter with red herrings: your daughter being transgender, her Svengali partner, even the misdirection with polyamory and miniskirts. They nearly obscure your question about mild displays of public affection.
Normally, I would suggest some soft language for speaking to your daughter about your discomfort, even as I signaled my view that you should let this slide. The P.D.A. in question, as you describe it, sounds tame enough to appear on the Disney Channel.
But perhaps in a first for red herrings (which clever sleuths know to disregard), the accumulation of yours outweighs your question. If you are really “thrilled” about your daughter’s confidence (and I trust you are), measure your unease with her P.D.A. against how hard she’s had to work to become her true self. It’s no contest, right? Keep quiet for now. Let her see you as a loving cheerleader, not a prim critic.
Come On, This Is a Nice Restaurant
My daughter-in-law of 10 years, whom I adore, flossed her teeth after dinner at the table, then dropped the used floss onto her empty plate. This was at a restaurant! I was shocked, but I didn’t say anything. (My son and their two young children were also there.) We have a close relationship, and I know it’s a bad idea to correct someone’s manners. But this was pretty disgusting. What do you think?
ANONYMOUS
Thank you for sparing us the details about saliva and bits of chicken flying out of her mouth! You are absolutely right: Public flossing is gross. But you are even more right to safeguard your relationship with your daughter-in-law. My inbox overflows with grandparents whose access to children and grandchildren has been restricted by offended in-laws. Why risk it — when someone else is bound to speak up?
As you note, criticizing the table manners of others is rude. And I warn you against mentioning this to your son. (He may throw you under the bus.) I expect some readers will worry about your grandchildren picking up their mother’s disgusting habit. I don’t. But I leave it to you, Anonymous: Would you rather see them with floss wrapped around their fingers or not at all?
Friendship Closed. Pool … Open?
My husband and I were close with a friend about 10 years ago. Since then, he married someone we don’t care for. The feeling is mutual, so we grew apart. We’re still part of the same social circle, but I’m happy to put this friendship to bed, as is my husband. The problem: This friend texts my husband to ask if he can bring his family to our pool. These visits are not enjoyable for us, but my husband agrees to them occasionally because he doesn’t want it to be awkward when we see them at other gatherings. I say we owe them nothing. You?
ANONYMOUS
Sadly, I can’t forbid your husband from letting people use your pool. And even though you claim he shares your insistence on kissing these folks goodbye, that doesn’t seem to be the case. He’s willing to see them occasionally to avoid awkwardness, which seems rather sensitive.
So, the issue here is actually between you and your husband, not what you owe this other family. It sounds as if you and your husband are at a stalemate, or why write to me. One possible tiebreaker: Ask your husband to make it a dads’ day with the kids, and you can head to an air-conditioned movie or lunch. What’s not to love?
Not Trying to Make This Awkward
I am breastfeeding my infant daughter. But I often notice that when I start nursing around friends, at home or social gatherings, people clear out of the room. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but I feel like it’s implied that I’m comfortable nursing around them if I choose to do it in the same room. And I enjoy the company. How should I handle this?
EM
I think you’d be doing your friends a service by making your preference explicit and helping to normalize breastfeeding among your crowd. The next time you inadvertently clear the room, say: “Actually, I like the company, if it doesn’t make you uncomfortable.” Then see what happens. My guess is that most people will say they thought they were being respectful by leaving and will be happy to stay.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.
