In February, I left my husband after being married for 18 years. We were teen parents who managed to keep it together, and our three amazing kids are almost grown. We were a heck of team, but we put each other through too much. Now, add the coronavirus! Sometimes, I just want to go home to the safety of my husband and have our kids under one roof again. I can’t be sure how I would be doing if this virus hadn’t come along. But if I go back, I’m afraid I won’t be able to leave him twice. What should I do?
A.
Trust your judgment, not our grisly current circumstances. You weathered an 18-year marriage, so you’re probably not the impulsive type. If leaving your husband was the right call in February, don’t let the virus (alone) scare you back into a relationship that wasn’t working for you.
I won’t sugarcoat it. These days, when even ordinary activities like grocery shopping can feel tinged with danger, starting a new life on your own may be too hard for you. (Don’t beat yourself up if it is!) But if you want to maintain the separation, start by reaching out to friends when you feel overwhelmed. Building a strong network of mutual support may be the key to this new chapter.
I don’t want to push you. Maybe counseling can help salvage your marriage, even if that wasn’t your plan in February. You probably didn’t anticipate a pandemic back then. But hardship was always going to come along. Leaving your husband meant deciding to handle things differently. So, how do you want to honor that decision now?
Remember Me?
Last year, I went on a couple of dates with a guy. I broke if off because I didn’t feel any chemistry. We hung out as friends a few times, but lost touch when we went back to university. Recently, I read an article about a well-known media company, and I recognized the C.E.O.’s unique surname as the same as the guy I dated. A little digging revealed they are father and son. I am trying to break into journalism, and a job at the C.E.O.’s company would be my dream. My friends say I absolutely cannot network with an ex. You?
COLLEGE SENIOR
At first blush, I thought: You are a monster! But I quickly realized that I am, too — and so are most people looking for work. Give it a shot. The key is to avoid making this guy feel used. So, don’t try to puff up your fleeting romance. Own the fact that you are looking for a straight-up favor from a near-stranger you dumped.
Text him a friendly message and tell him you saw an article about his media-mogul father. Then make the ask: “Would you be comfortable helping me arrange a call with someone at the company who works with young journalists?” Acknowledge that this may be too awkward for him and, if it is, you understand. If he doesn’t reply, let it go.
Dad in Training
My boyfriend and I got a dog during the pandemic. With both of us working from home, we thought it would be a good time to train a puppy. But I’m bothered by the imbalance of labor involving the dog. I do 80 percent of the work! Would I be wrong to extrapolate this dynamic to child rearing? He wants kids. I’m leaning against them. I’m afraid his preference for video games and impatience with potty training would persist in parenthood. Is this a red flag I should run from?
DOG MOM
Well, it’s not an outstanding preview of coming attractions. But couples rarely fall into divisions of labor that feel great to both parties. It’s often a matter of discussion and fine-tuning. And those are great skills for any couple to practice.
Together, make a list of daily chores related to the puppy: potty training, obedience exercises, regular walks, feeding and cuddling. Then divide it up with your boyfriend. If he’s a shirker (in allocation or in practice), point it out. Don’t be too rigid, though: An offer to clean the bathroom, for instance, would be worth several puppy walks to me.
Is This Free or Not?
During our lockdown, I’ve enjoyed seeing local musicians take to social media to perform for people stuck in their homes. Normally, we’d have to go to public venues and pay to hear them play. Many of the entertainers list PayPal or Venmo accounts on the bottom of the screen for people to donate to them. But I want to listen to the music without the guilt of paying to be entertained. Am I wrong?
KATIE
Totally wrong! These musicians aren’t requiring you to pay them. So, if you can’t afford a few bucks (maybe you’ve lost your job) or if you like being a deadbeat, listen for free. But if you want me to take you off the hook for feeling guilty about stiffing hard-working artists who deserve to be paid for their music, please look elsewhere.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.
