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Thursday, April 25, is Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day, a day meant to help kids imagine their future adult lives as full of professional possibility (as opposed to full of Google Docs and painful jargon like “solutioning”). This year will be the first time I take either of my children to work with me on the occasion. My older daughter, now 6, heard about the event last year and was miffed that I didn’t take her, even though at the time she was too young to attend. While I’m ambivalent about the whole thing, she’ll be coming with me to the office tomorrow.
I’m excited for her to be exposed to journalism and I think she’ll have a great time, but I’m ambivalent because I worry about how bringing your child into work could affect your co-workers’ perceptions of you. There is lots of research about the “motherhood penalty” — which includes the notion that women are less likely to be seen as competent at their jobs if they are mothers. (In general, being a father does not have the same negative connotations, said Brad Harrington, executive director of the Boston College Center for Work & Family, though there are exceptions.) These anxieties can be particularly acute for women of color, said Minda Harts, CEO of The Memo, a company that helps women of color meet their professional goals. “Because we are often the only one or one of few in the company — so we strategically plan our every move,” she said. “We consider how our peers will judge us as mothers.”
Even though my daughter loves structure and hates defying authority figures who are not me, it still seems like there’s a slight potential for disaster: What if she’s inadvertently rude, or has some kind of hangry meltdown because the food situation is unpredictable? It feels particularly acute in my current role: I can just imagine the punch lines when the lead parenting editor’s kid is acting like a jerk.
To help all of us thinking of bringing our kids into work environments tomorrow, I asked three experts about best practices. I also asked one mom whose child had a mega-viral public tantrum at the White House about how to get over it if your kid is not her best self at a work-related event.
Know what you’re getting into. If you’re planning to bring your child to work, find out ahead of time what the programming situation is and what the age recommendations are, said Cali Williams Yost, a flexible workplace strategist. “You know your child best,” she said, and if the activity planned is, “Let’s all sit in story circle and read a book, and your child doesn’t sit still, maybe that’s not a good match.”
You also know your workplace best, said Harts. Is it an environment that you feel would be welcoming to your kid, based on the way you have been treated in the past? “A day that would be joyous to one mother comes with a lot of mental gymnastics for another,” Harts said. Furthermore, you know what’s going on at work that day. “If you’re on a huge deadline and need to deliver some big deliverable, that might not be the best time” to bring your kid along, Williams Yost said.
Still, all three experts I spoke to emphasized that Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day is almost always a positive experience for both parents and children — because it puts a face to the children in our lives, and helps our co-workers know us better. “There will be times when your child is sick, or has an important event, and when people you work with know your kids, there’s a caring there that they would not otherwise have,” Williams Yost said.
It can be particularly beneficial for dads, said Harrington. When fathers are seen parenting in limited doses at the office, “They’re seen as more well-rounded people, caring people, when they’re seen as workers and also as parents.”
Lay out your expectations ahead of time. The night before, explain in detail what is going to happen when they go to work with you — and how you expect them to act. Say, “ ‘This is where Mommy works, this is who you’re going to meet, this is when we’re doing these things, this is how I’d like you to behave.’ Kids can rise to that,” said Williams Yost.
You also need an exit strategy, if possible. Have a caretaker ready to whisk your child out of the office if things go south, Williams Yost said.
Give other options if the official day doesn’t work. Whether your kid’s behavior is not ready for prime time, or for whatever reasons you feel your office isn’t a great place for him, you can create other opportunities to expose your child to your work. “Regardless of the company or organizational size, I think days like these are important,” said Harts. “And, we can also reimagine what success looks like around bring your kids to work day. Maybe it’s a pizza party at a local restaurant. Or renting out the movie theater for an upcoming film. There are many ways that companies can invest in their talent — it doesn’t have to be a one-size-fits-all.”
If your kid does have a mega-meltdown … Remember that most people, especially parents, will be understanding — because they’ve been there, said Laura Moser, a writer (and former colleague of mine at Slate) who ran for Congress in Texas last year.
Moser’s daughter, Claudia, then 2, infamously threw herself facedown on a carpet in front of President Obama at a White House Passover Seder, because her mean mommy wouldn’t let her strip naked and put on a sheet. “When Claudia had her tantrum I wasn’t even nervous or worried about it, because the Obamas have children and understand the children’s outbursts and vagaries don’t reflect on you,” Moser said.
Moser also tried to take her children with her when she was campaigning for Congress, without much success. The kids found it boring, which is understandable. Moser has connected with other mothers of young children running for office, and some of them had the same experience — their kids wanted minimal involvement. There were definitely moments when Moser wanted to tell her children, “People won’t vote for me if they think you’re a brat, be quiet!”
She realized pretty quickly that she could only bring the kids with her in small doses. And when she did, her advice is to bring entertainment. “Bring a tablet. People might judge you” for letting your kid stare at screens, Moser said, but if it keeps them from causing a scene at work, it’s worth it.
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Want More on Kids and Work?
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James Okungu, a journalist at ABC News, was anxious about bringing his son, Jayden, who has autism, to the office last year. He wrote a lovely essay about how Jayden inspired him to overcome his nervousness, because “just like other kids he deserves all the love and opportunities he can get.”
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Take Your Daughters and Sons to Work Day was originally just for girls, and it was designed to close the gender gap in women’s professional achievement. Spelunking through the Times archives from the mid-90s reveals wonderful articles about the day’s genesis. My personal favorite is this one by Susan Chira from 1994, which includes the quote: “If I want to go into a manhole, that’s what I’m going to do whether it’s a ‘man’s job’ or not.”
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If you work from home and have kids, the Wirecutter, a product review site from The New York Times, has tips for how to stay sane when your toddler is yelling about poop while you’re on a conference call.
Tiny Victory
Parenting can be a grind. So let’s celebrate the tiny victories.
When my first son was about 4 months old, my husband and I decided to always answer “yes,” should a stranger ask us whether our wonderful baby boy was sleeping through the night yet. It made us feel so much better, despite the fact that none of us ever slept more than two or three hours at a time.
—Ricarda Sarkar, Columbus, Ohio
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