It’s one thing to fend off sibling battles over a toy. It’s often a more elusive challenge to raise children who genuinely like each other and will choose to support each other throughout their lives.
Laurie Kramer, a clinical psychologist and professor at Northeastern University and founder of the More Fun With Sisters and Brothers program, discovered in her research that mothers who had negative histories with their own siblings were most likely to raise kids with the most positive relationships. Because they knew firsthand that cultivating great relationships took work, those mothers were more deliberate about raising their kids to get along.
“If you can help kids develop the fun in their relationship — that positive engagement — it will outweigh the negative,” Dr. Kramer said. “Build the positive.” Following are some suggestions from her and other experts.
Create Everyday Opportunities for Joy
Dr. Kramer’s research program, which provides free lessons for families to help kids develop positive social and emotional skills, advises ensuring that siblings spend meaningful, positive time together each day.
Do your kids do chores as a team, or do they each have a separate task? Do they share a room or have a common space to play together? Does each child have toys or games that are solely theirs, or are some of them joint property? Are they in solo sports or activities, or could they do some together?
Look for ways your children enjoy spending time together, such as puzzles, video games or soccer, and make those shared activities in shared spaces part of your family routine. Give them chores they can complete as a team, like setting the table or washing the car, and encourage them to have fun together while they work.
Show the Behavior You Want to See
One of the most important actions parents can take is to model the kind of relationships you want your children to have and the behavior you’d like to see. If you’re hoping to raise children who treat each other respectfully and choose kindness, ensure your own behavior toward others sets that standard consistently.
“Parents don’t give themselves enough credit for their ability to help shape a positive relationship between their children,” said Ralphie Jacobs, founder of Simply On Purpose, which offers online resources and workshops that focus on strengthening families and teaching positive parenting skills. She emphasizes that even though kids’ lives are filled with other variables, parents have the power to set the tone at home.
Establish a Positive Family Culture Together
And yet, as important as it is to model good behavior, parents don’t need to shoulder the effort alone.
“Creating a happier, more peaceful family is everyone’s responsibility, not just the job of the parents,” said Thomas Lickona, a developmental psychologist and the author of “How to Raise Kind Kids.” He recommends crafting a family mission statement together to express the kind of family you hope to be. Including a line such as “When we have a conflict, we try to calm down, talk it out and work out a fair solution” gives kids a road map to handle similar situations on their own.
Practice Self-Control
Learning basic self-control skills can also help kids become more thoughtful in every interaction with their siblings. Dr. Kramer suggests a simple system of “Stop, Think and Talk” for kids, and repeating this exact sequence of steps even when they are happily spending time together so it becomes second nature to consider all discussions through this lens.
“Teach them to take increasing responsibility for solving disputes on their own,” Dr. Lickona said. “One way to help that happen is to have a ‘talk-it-out’ place where your kids can go to sit down and work out a fair solution.” He recommends printing out the steps you’d like them to follow and posting them in the talk-it-out place to serve as a guide.
Teach Kids to Ask to Spend Time Together
Do your children regularly ask each other to play or to talk? Relationships, especially those between siblings, take effort to maintain.
“A lot of kids don’t even realize that their parents want them to spend time with one another, to engage positively with each other,” Dr. Kramer said. Make sure your children know you want them to have a good relationship with one another, and why it’s important to ask their sibling to spend time with them.
Ask kids to stop and consider their siblings’ feelings as to whether it’s a good time to invite them to play, and to think about what kind of game their sibling might want to play together.
If a sibling doesn’t want to play, encourage your kids to think about the reasons. Would they prefer to play basketball rather than a board game? Would they like to play together later instead? Talk it through together until they find a solution that works for everyone.
Cultivate Empathy and Discuss Emotions
“The most important skill to teach a child for long-term happiness is empathy,” Ms. Jacobs said.
That ability to understand another’s point of view — and to regard others’ needs as equally important as your own — can be difficult to master. Dr. Kramer’s program walks parents through steps to help kids become more empathetic to their siblings — from not assuming their sibling had a negative intent in an interaction, to a broader goal of learning that each child can have distinct likes and dislikes, and these differences are perfectly O.K.
She also encourages parents to help their kids build a more precise emotional vocabulary. “Sibling relationships tend to be very emotional,” Dr. Kramer points out. Giving kids robust language to calmly express themselves can be the difference between “I hate you!” and “It makes me angry when you take my dolls,” or “I know you love hanging out with your new high school friends, but I miss spending time with you.”
Focus on the Fun
When conflicts inevitably arise, encourage children to use the “Stop, Think and Talk” approach. Above all, focus on making your family time together as joyful as possible, and keep building upon those happy interactions with more of the same.
In our home, with our 3- and 5-year-olds whose fights over toys and turns were becoming more frequent, my husband and I have put these ideas to use with promising progress. After we slept in one recent Saturday morning, we crept downstairs to find our son and daughter snuggled together under blankets on the couch, watching our daughter’s favorite Netflix Barbie show, which also happens to be among our son’s least favorite.
“We took turns choosing!” they proudly announced. My husband and I looked at each other and then around the room, impressed that no bones or furniture had been damaged.
Most miraculously, their stopping and thinking and talking had all been quiet and calm enough to let us get a precious extra hour of sleep.
Of course, a lot can change and we have many years ahead before we’ll know if we can celebrate close-sibling success, but in that moment, we felt well on our way.
Kate Lewis (@katehasthoughts) writes about travel and raising children.
