My partner’s ex-wife throws up roadblocks to seeing his two daughters when we go to visit them. It’s a two-hour flight, so it’s not a small thing to visit. But his ex occupies all the girls’ time when we’re there. They are in their early 20s and live on their own. They complain about how demanding their mother becomes when we’re in town. I am the mom of their two young half sisters. It’s important to us to foster good relationships among the siblings. Does it make sense to continue these trips when we see so little of the girls? (It’s hard for them to get time off from work to visit us.)
STEPMOM
Forgive me, but it seems implausible that these independent women can’t break free of their mother to spend time with your family after you’ve flown into town expressly to visit them. Are you sure they want to?
I don’t doubt their mother may wield guilt like a cudgel depending on the circumstances of her relationship with your partner. But her daughters are adult women, not prisoners at a federal penitentiary. Maybe they’re using their mother as an excuse.
Before you book your next trip, have your partner ask his daughters when they will be free to meet. That should help you gauge their interest. It may also be useful for your partner to speak privately with his daughters about how much he wants to see them and whether they have any misgivings about the divorce or your new family.
It’s possible they simply have to learn to stand up to their mother. (Pre-existing dates with you may help.) It’s also possible, though, that your partner has some remedial work to do with his daughters before they open their hearts (and calendars) to you and their younger sisters.
Happy to Help
My husband has two siblings. Their mother has Alzheimer’s, which is progressing quickly. (Recently, she wandered out and was unable to find her way home.) I don’t think that any of her children are offering enough support: getting her to doctors’ appointments, helping with finances or keeping her safe. Everyone lives nearby, so distance isn’t the issue. My question: How much support should I offer? I work full time. But when I’ve offered help, the siblings don’t seem to want it.
ANONYMOUS
It sounds as if your husband and his siblings may be in denial about their mother’s health. It can be frightening for adult children to acknowledge that our onetime omnipotent caretakers are now too ill or too frail to care for themselves.
But it’s even more frightening that your mother-in-law is wandering the streets helplessly. Sound the alarm! Try to persuade your husband to call a meeting of his siblings and mother to create a plan for her safety and care. (Convene it yourself if he refuses.)
There are resources, like the Alzheimer’s Association, to help your family grapple with the range of issues your mother-in-law faces. You can help, but this is not a problem you can shoulder alone. As for your siblings-in-law, it is inhumane for them to pretend that their mother’s deficits do not exist.
I Think I’ve Heard Enough
I have two neighbors who talk nonstop and overshare. One of them tells me about her travel plans in great detail, including flight times. The other describes her sick sister’s reluctance to eat and the ways she persuades her to — item by item. Help! How can I tell them that they’re sharing much more than I want to know? My husband says they need to vent, but he’s more patient than I am.
J.
Why tell these women anything? Other than their proximity, they seem to be relative strangers to you. Instructing them in your conversational preferences is nearly as odd as sharing flight times. Just smile and wave as you walk briskly to your door.
If your husband has a greater appetite for neighbors who vent, let him engage them. Most of us can divide our neighbor couples into the chatty one and the one who is less so. Be the one who’s usually in a hurry.
Do R.S.V.P.s Mean Nothing?
I hosted a bar mitzvah for my son. We took an expansive approach to the guest list. Based on responses, we paid the caterer for 138 people. But 15 didn’t show. Some of them told us in advance they couldn’t make it; others didn’t. Is it no longer rude to skip an event after saying you will attend? This is sticking with me, and I can’t find a way to tell these people I don’t approve.
ANONYMOUS
Of course the no-shows were rude! But why let the bad behavior of a few darken a joyful day in your family’s life? Nearly 90 percent of the guests showed! Now, I’m not criticizing; your feelings are pretty human.
When an angry thought about no-shows pops into your head, try to replace it with a happy memory from the day. As for the dreaded 15, you could say, “We missed you at the bar mitzvah.” But why bother? Just don’t invite them to your next big do.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.
