When my mother died suddenly last year, at the age of 63, they started coming: gift cards for Seamless, GrubHub and Uber Eats that pinged softly in my inbox. “Don’t forget to eat,” read the note accompanying one credit. Another said, “Because you can’t eat flowers.”
Many of these sympathy gifts came from friends living nearby who might have, in an alternate universe, brought over foil-covered baking dishes filled with cheesy casseroles. But in New York City, and in 2019, there are some hurdles to practicing that traditional grieving ritual: tiny kitchens, crowded subway commutes, a 24/7 work culture. Then there are dietary restrictions to consider. For all my loved ones knew, I could have stopped eating dairy or Tom Brady’d tomatoes.
Sending a grieving person a gift card instead of delivering homemade food to one’s doorstep may defy the wisdom of Emily Post. But for millions of people who use meal-delivery apps, the funds can come as a welcome gesture of practical kindness.
After a memorial service for her mother in Alberta, Canada, Katherine Austin-Evelyn, a philanthropic consultant, returned to her home in Brooklyn to find that a group of friends had sent her a $200 Seamless credit.
“When my grandmother died years ago, people brought lasagnas and casseroles,” Ms. Austin-Evelyn, 33, said. “The Seamless gift card felt like my generation’s version of that.”
She didn’t mind that the food wasn’t homemade.
“It achieved the same outcome,” she said, “which was an expression of care and thoughtfulness, and also being extremely useful.”
These apps have made it easier than ever to order takeout, and using them has become a habit for many people. Americans spent $18.5 billion on food delivery services in 2018, up nine percent from the previous year, according to the NPD Group.
In addition to their convenience, these credits are an invitation to seek comfort: Order any food you crave, be it pasta from a favorite Italian restaurant or a steaming hot bowl of ramen, without worrying about the cost. Or food waste. Or how long before the Pyrex dishes piling up in your cupboard might constitute hoarding.
Catherine Down, 32, an American who has lived in Paris for six years writing about travel and food, said that sending credits helps her to be present for her loved ones living in the U.S. when they experience loss.
“When a friend had a miscarriage, I really felt the distance,” Ms. Down recalled. So she ordered snacks for her friend — wasabi peas, mochi, frozen dumplings — and had them delivered to her home. She said that using Instacart and Seamless in these kinds of scenarios makes her feel “proactive, and takes some of the load off the loved one.”
All you need to send a Seamless gift card is the recipient’s email, which makes it easy to support even a distant acquaintance. But with its convenience comes the possibility of the gesture seeming generic or lazy, depending on the person and your relationship to them.
Amy Cunningham, a funeral director and the owner of Fitting Tribute, a funeral home in Brooklyn, said the gift card should be for a service the person already uses and for a generous amount.
“Food is helpful, but give it in abundance,” Ms. Cunningham, 63, said. “You need too much of something when life seems thin and lacking in any kind of pleasure.”
Ms. Cunningham suggested spending $125, enough to feed four to six people. It’s also O.K. to ask questions before you spend.
“Personalize,” Ms. Cunningham said. “Call someone closer to them to find out what they like and need. It could be groceries, a pot of food or a basket of beautiful fruit. That will do better than $50 on Seamless.”
Rebecca Soffer, 42, the co-author of the book “Modern Loss,” lost her mother when she was 30, then her father four years later.
“My tiny apartment was filled with at least 14 Edible Arrangements in the days after my mother’s death,” Ms. Soffer said, “so I think Seamless vouchers are a terrific gesture.” She believes a smaller amount — $25 or $50 — is fine, as long as it’s only the first step.
“Use it as a catalyst for more meaningful involvement,” she said. “Text, ‘I sent you something, let me know if you want me to come over and share it with you.’ Set weekly calendar reminders to offer something they might need — say, to watch their kids, clean their bathroom or take them out for a stiff drink.”
It might also pay to set reminders to check in at three months, six months and a year. While a Seamless credit never expires, the social insulation that immediately follows a death tends to wane after a few weeks. The best thing you can do for someone living with loss is to reach out after the visitors have stopped showing up in waves, while your friend is still stranded on the strange island of grief.
