A couple of weeks ago, before Covid-19 exploded in New York, a close friend asked if she and her husband could leave Manhattan and stay with us at our home in Bergen County, N.J. It was a tough question to have asked of me, but I decided it was the right thing to do. I told my friend they could come. For other reasons, they didn’t. Now, she’s asked again. They’re really scared! I’m not sure what to do. My husband has asthma, they would have to share a bathroom with my cranky 19-year-old son, and I am helping my elderly mother who lives nearby (contact-free). Any advice?
D.
I love your compassion for your friend and her fears! (If you look for it, every day brings so much kindness amid the suffering.) Still, it would be unwise to invite your friends into your home now.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has issued an advisory urging residents of New York, New Jersey and Connecticut to stop nonessential domestic travel for two weeks. Even absent that, I worry for your husband with a respiratory illness and for the increased risk to your mother.
I also know how wrenching it feels to refuse a friend in need. And New York is scary now. But we know how to keep safe. Tell her: “I’m sorry I can’t invite you to stay with us now. With my husband’s asthma and my mother’s age, we have to be vigilant about social distancing and following the advice of the C.D.C.”
Let’s be realistic, too. Your friend may be hurt by your refusal. If she’s cold or lashes out, try to remember that her response is likely driven by fear. So, be generous. Keep checking in with her. The voice call has been a major comfort to me lately. Use it liberally to keep your close friend close.
But My Roots!
Don’t get mad at me for asking this! But since we began isolating at home and all the salons closed, my hair has become a disaster! My roots are terrifying — and only getting worse. Would it be wrong to call my hair stylist and ask about her social distancing practices, and if they sound OK, beg her to color my hair?
SUSE
How could I get mad at you when I’ve been eyeing a pair of office scissors all week and assessing my husband’s manual dexterity, dreading my inevitable fate? But it would be extremely wrong to ask your stylist to color your hair now. Even an infinitesimal risk of exposure to either of you is unacceptable.
Because that danger is magnified many times over for our already overtaxed health care workers, as well as for grocery and pharmacy staffs, emergency medical workers, and others with whom you’re sheltering. Wait for the authorities to give the all-clear. Half the nation needs a cut or color now. Or, if turbans aren’t your thing, touch up your roots yourself.
The Group Chat Is Out of Control
Months ago, I was added to a group text of 14 moms with kids the same age as mine. I’m close with a couple of them, but the others are friendly acquaintances or strangers. It’s a very active thread, with everything from articles to pictures to questions like: “Any ideas about socks?” I’ve turned off the alerts, but it’s really overwhelming to look at my phone and have 45 text notifications. I’m anxious about leaving the chat because it’s announced on the thread and everyone will know. Any ideas for a tactful exit so we can all be friendly when we go back to seeing people in person?
MOM
I’m all ears if anyone has a life hack for leaving stressful group texts without the remaining members being notified about it. But I don’t believe it exists yet. And you’re probably overestimating the risk of upsetting people now. Sure, we’re all edgy, but the texting moms have bigger fish to fry.
Respect your feelings and leave the chat. If anyone asks, say: “The volume of texts was overwhelming me.” I believe most mothers (and fathers) would sympathize with your stress. When we go back to seeing people, be pleasant to the mothers in person. I bet they’ll be pleasant right back.
Triggered by the Backdrop
Like millions, I am working from home and spending lots of time videoconferencing with co-workers and clients. My boss conferences in from his home office, where, behind his smiling face, hangs a painting of a cyclone tearing through a city. He may be so used to it that he’s oblivious to the bad message it sends. He’s not a friend, but we have a cordial relationship. Should I point out that the painting may upset people?
ANONYMOUS
In dark times, it pays to be extra careful about the feelings of others. So, I appreciate what’s driving your question: Someone may be unsettled. But I can’t tell if you are. If you are actually bothered, speak up: “That painting may be a little dark for a pandemic.” Otherwise, keep quiet. The same principle that calls for special sensitivity now also means we don’t have to share every opinion.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.
