Because marriage is an ever-evolving experience, we constantly shift, change and, in some cases, start over. In It’s No Secret, couples share thoughts about commitment and tell us what they have learned, revealing their secret to making it work. (Answers are edited for context and space.)
Who Dr. Monique Collier Nickles and Dr. Leroy Nickles, both 44
Occupations She is chief of pediatric ambulatory practice at Lincoln Medical and Mental Health Center in the Bronx. He is the regional medical director at TeamHealth Emergency Medicine in Woodbury, N.J., a national contract management company that provides clinician staffing to hospitals.
Their Marriage 12 years, 11 months and counting
Through the Years
The couple married May 12, 2007 before 150 guests at the Pier 5 Hotel Baltimore. Their first dance was to “You’re All I Need to Get By,” sung first by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell, followed by the hip-hop sample by Method Man and Mary J. Blige. The couple live in Tenafly, N.J., with their three children, Lea, 6; Lenox, 10; and Ayden, 12; and Dr. Collier Nickles’s mother, Maryellen Collier, who helps with the children.
They met in 1997 at a summer program at the University of Maryland School of Medicine in Baltimore, where they were partners in a pre-med anatomy class. Both were 21 and neither thought much of the other at the time. Four years later, while each was in graduate school, they bumped into one anther in an elevator at a conference for the Student National Medical Association in Houston. They instantly recognized each other, started talking and exchanged phone numbers.
She took the initiative and called him several weeks later. She was going to Maryland to visit a friend, and asked if he would he like to have dinner. They met at the Cheesecake Factory in downtown Baltimore. “I was eating fries and he poured ketchup on my plate,” she said. “It was really sweet and attentive.”
A friendship soon started which, over the years, slowly grew into a relationship. “We liked each other, but we weren’t exclusive,” she said. “We were too busy with med school and residencies.” Things changed in 2006 when the couple vacationed in Hawaii for Dr. Collier Nickles’s 30th birthday. “We were talking about our future,” she said. “He was smart and challenged me. I loved being with him more than anyone else. I realized I could spend the rest of my life with him.” Two months later Dr. Nickles proposed at the Mandarin Oriental, New York. They were married a year later.
Sheltering in Place
Like so many roommates, partners, spouses and families, the couple and their children have been staying at home because of the coronavirus outbreak.
Dr. Collier Nickles We both have administrative and clinical roles. Right now I’m working from home two days a week. The kids are virtual schooling. Three weeks ago my anxiety was really high because Leroy was in a moon suit and intubating people, and I’ve been treating people and was exposed. Since neither of us are sick I’m less anxious.
Dr. Nickles The coronavirus has reaffirmed how important family is. We’re catching up on life, and each other. We are spending more quality time with the kids. We’ve been playing a lot of board games and we take family runs and do family workout days. I’m at home, but still on call 24/7. I’m in charge of the management and operations for 25 emergency departments so I’m fielding emergency calls and making sure everyone is doing OK.
What They’ve Learned
Dr. Collier Nickles Before I got married I was naïve, insecure, and wishy-washy. I wasn’t expressing my true wants and needs. In these 13 years, I found my voice, learned that I’m strong and self-aware. I’ve become content and comfortable with myself and who I am in this marriage.
Leroy is handsome, loving and thoughtful. He’s got great energy and is a good provider and father.
We didn’t come in with realistic ideas. We were so focused on work we weren’t focused on each other or what our needs as humans were. We had to learn what we needed from each other, and from the relationship. It took time for us to be in sync.
I’ve taught him dedication, commitment and loyalty. I’ve taught him he can live up to his full potential to become his best self. He’s taught me how to be less intense and how to enjoy life more, that people can evolve, and to be OK with striving for the best.
Marriage is not picture perfect. It’s hard work. I’ve learned you can move forward and through something, as opposed to letting it set you back.
We have become great partners to each other. We’ve evolved as people and individuals. We’ve learned to fix the issues and to keep moving. We’ve become better communicators. We’ve learned to ask for what we need, and to not be ashamed or embarrassed about it, to be more upfront and transparent.
We do team check-ins, individually and as a couple. We used to do them every Sunday, or during our date night. Now we do them every few months. We ask each other, What do you need more of? What can I do better? It keeps us optimistic and moves us forward in the relationship. It reminds us of the great things we can accomplish despite what challenges we are going through.
Dr. Nickles She’s the neat freak; I’m not. She’s a chatter in the morning; I’m a chatter at night. So we’ve learned to meet somewhere in the middle. We’re both overachievers and even-keeled. As an E.R. doctor I’m very impatient but I have a high tolerance for stress. I’m also the one to be more anxious. We both value family and each other.
I’ve taught her to be bold, more aggressive and unrelenting in her quest for success. She’s taught me loyalty to myself, and to her; to be confident, that you can do and be anything you inspire to be. She’s very patient and has taught me to slow down.
I came from a dysfunctional family. I was the first college graduate. I didn’t have guidance or support or role models so I didn’t see myself having a family and raising kids. I grew into the man I now am and the good husband and father I’ve become. That wasn’t easy. I had issues trusting women and getting close to someone. It was a big step to trust Monique and be vulnerable.
Being married takes a great deal of patience. I came from a selfish world. I’ve learned nothing is perfect, not you, not your spouse. Things are not going to happen the way you want. Especially kids. I’ve learned to support them to become the best version of themselves rather than what I want them to be.
We don’t really argue. We’ve learned to make it a priority to tend to each other’s needs. And that it’s important to make time for ourselves, so we take four vacations every year to reconnect and keep the spark. We also have date night once a week.
Marriage taught me you can find happiness with another person. To love another person unconditionally. To value family and cherish being a parent. I never thought I’d be both or enjoy it as much as I do.
