My husband has become close friends with a man he met through work. He and his wife live nearby, and we’ve gone out with them as a couple a few times. I like my husband’s friend, but my husband and I really dislike his wife. We’ve tried, but she’s cold, rude and a Debbie Downer. I have no interest in seeing her. The problem: My husband’s friend keeps inviting us to socialize with them as a couple. We keep saying we’re busy. But my husband is torn: He thinks we should tell his friend that we just don’t want to see his wife. I disagree. Thoughts?
ANONYMOUS
Your husband is an idiot. (No! I’m sure he’s not!) But the hurt or protectiveness you may have felt when you read my criticism of your loved one is probably a fair approximation of the way your husband’s friend would feel if you shared your honest thoughts about his wife — no matter how euphemistically. Don’t do it.
It is supreme egotism to suppose that friendship entitles us to rail on our friends’ partners. That doesn’t mean we can’t object to specific instances of rudeness or cruelty. But we should respect the primacy of our friends’ primary relationships, even if we don’t care for their partners personally.
Remember: Your husband’s pal only invited you to dinner; he didn’t ask for a candid assessment of his wife’s personality. So, say no. Let your husband keep seeing his friend on his own. He can say that you’re busy, or even that you prefer to see your own friends. It’s much kinder (and safer) than dissing his wife.
Must We Bring Jesus Into This?
My fiancé and I are getting married at City Hall, followed by a relaxed dinner party for 30. My mom, who is a minister, has asked if she can bless our marriage. I have great respect for her work, but religion hasn’t been a part of my life since I became an adult. This has never been an issue before, but my mother will be upset if I decline. I really don’t want a marriage blessing; it wouldn’t reflect my (or my fiancé’s) values. On the other hand, it would only take three minutes and mean the world to my mom. My fiancé will go along with my decision. Advice?
KATIE
In a sneak attack, let me answer your question with a question: Why do you suppose your mother will be upset? She’s going along with your secular wedding plan. If you say “I love you and don’t want to disappoint you, but religion is not a part of our lives, and a blessing doesn’t feel right to us,” she may understand.
If you expect toasts at the dinner, invite her to make one of those, instead — knowing that she may lean on religion a bit. That’s fair, though; other speakers will reflect their life experiences, too. For the record, your wedding sounds delightful: simple, intimate and calm. (And that holds even if you decide to let your mother bless it.)
You Call This … Clean?
I am a college student. My roommate and I get along very well — except for the mess she leaves on her side of the room. Her desk is littered with everything she owns. Her closet won’t even close because of everything in there. And she does the bare minimum to clean up after herself. When my parents visited, I told her we should clean up. No change! (The most shocking part: On her roommate form, she described herself as “clean and tidy.”) How can I politely motivate her to clean up?
MEGAN
You probably can’t. Still, there are some valuable lessons here, starting with: Talk is cheap, and roommate forms are even cheaper. People will generally ascribe positive values to themselves, such as honesty, cleanliness and hard work, regardless of actual fact.
As for your roommate, the goal here is to strike the best possible compromise with her, not to get her to yield to your wishes. You are not her supreme leader. Say: “The clutter on your side of the room is stressing me out. Is there anything I can do to help you keep it tidier?” Then talk it out. (My husband has to watch me put away my laundered clothes for that to happen.)
It’s Middle School All Over Again
I moved into a retirement apartment complex. I’ve been surprised by the amount of gossip. Everything is repeated! Also, there are bullies who decide who should be welcomed and who should be ostracized. And people follow their lead. I didn’t expect to be reliving seventh grade at this stage of my life. Is this typical? I’m thinking of moving.
ANONYMOUS
We’re all capable of kindness and meanness. So, before you move, let’s try something simple. Focus on a few activities that you really like: nature walks, card games, going to films. And share those experiences with some people you’ve met.
No need to confide in anyone or make new best friends. Just try to enjoy yourself and your shared time. I predict that some of those activity partners may become nice friends.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.
