In Unhitched, couples tell the stories of their relationships, from romance to vows to divorce to life afterward.
Peter Genuardi and Olga Heifets met in 2002 in graduate school at Georgetown, where they both received a degree in communications, culture and technology. Their values seemed well matched at the time, and a mutual admiration led to marriage a few years later.
Over time, with the addition of their one child, their ideals changed and their connection frayed, and finally broke. Yet despite the challenge of the divorce, the two remain focused on being good parents. Both say that their current relationship is actually better than when they were married.
Where did they grow up?
Her family emigrated from Russia as Jewish refugees when she was 3, and settled in Northern California. Her parents are still married and now retired: Her father was a physicist and her mother worked as a cartographic for a start-up company.
He grew up in rural southern New Jersey in a Roman Catholic working-class family. “We had everything but a lot of money,” he said. His parents, both social workers, have been married for 44 years.
When did they meet?
At Georgetown in 2002. “Peter was sharp, funny, a nice human being with a good heart,” she said.
“Olga was attractive, both in the way she looked and how she was thoughtful, compassionate and patient with others,” he said.
Why did they marry?
He put pressure on himself to be married by the age of 30 and she felt like the right person. For her, he was easy to be with and they shared values; both were inspired to make a difference in the world.
Where did they live after marrying?
For several years they lived in Washington, then in 2006, they moved to Boulder, Colo., to start somewhere fresh.
How were the early years?
They bought a townhouse, got jobs, and for her it felt like everything fell into place. She practiced yoga and he was an avid runner. On weekends they explored the city and nature together. For him, he never felt acceptance from her parents and from the start that was problematic. She agrees.
What were the first signs of trouble?
For her, parenting put pressure on the relationship. “Our lives diverged, he shouldered the financial burden, but I took on everything else,” she said. They forgot how to talk with each other and she felt on her own.
“It became clear we felt differently about what our roles in the family would be,” he said. They began to argue about money and time. “I thought we were not going to give up who we were to become parents,” he said. He assumed they would share household responsibilities and child rearing equally.
What pushed them apart?
They stopped being intimate and their relationship morphed into that of roommates. Co-parenting went well, but they started pursing activities separately. “I felt like I was leaning across the table and she wasn’t,” he said. “I didn’t want to compromise my values of fidelity and started to think about separating.”
She felt she was whittling away her wants and needs to make it all work. “My priorities about what we did and how we did it didn’t have as much weight as Peter’s,” she said.
Did they try to make the relationship work?
They went to counseling for almost three years, which helped their communication. But he sought change on four issues: money, intimacy, religion and the role of their extended families. He wanted to blend religious traditions, but she disliked all organized religion. She thought this issue reflected a lack of connection between them. “I wanted more sweetness and a feeling he wanted to be with me,” she said. “I felt like there were places Peter never let me in.”
Who asked for the split?
Initially, before counseling, she did. But after counseling, he decided to call it off in September 2016 when progress on the four fronts stalled. They talked for four days and mutually agreed it was the right course. “The word ‘divorce’ was 99 percent terrifying and 1 percent liberating,” he said.
How did their child react?
They assured their daughter that she was their top priority. She was then 6, and occasionally told them she wanted them back together, but they reminded her they were “grumpy” as a couple. Sometimes she asked them to spend time together. If their daughter requested a family night, “we would do it,” she said. Both share parenting fully.
What was the final break up?
He moved into a studio over their garage for six months, and then into an apartment. They shared parenting week by week. “Even in the worst of the divorce, the slicing of the assets, we understood there was a life ahead of us with our daughter,” he said.
How did they move on?
For him, the first year was brutal; paying alimony was stressful. He was lonely and worked on making new friends. He found casual dating unfulfilling.
She had mourned the relationship during the marriage, but the day she saw his side of the closet empty she had a huge cry. “I felt it was over,” she said. “It finally hit me.”
Did they feel stigmatized?
For him, yes. “I had friends who clearly thought divorce was catching, we were not invited to parties we’d been going to for years,” he said.
For her, no. “A lot of people in bad marriages wanted to ask how we did the divorce,” especially when they saw how well we prioritized our child.” Both say they fought the “broken home, failed marriage” meme. “That’s not who we are — one chapter ended and another began,” she said.
How did they fare financially?
They split everything 50-50. He kept his company, but lost the house and much of his retirement savings. “I have the same alimony gripes as anyone else,” he said. “Our earning capacity is relatively equal — we even have the same degree — but I will be paying her expenses for quite awhile,” he said.
She had been working part time and doing more of the child care. For her, dividing assets was, and still is, painful. She felt like her role as primary caregiver was always undervalued. “In taking time to be a mom, my career took a hit and my earning power isn’t the same as someone who was continuously in the work force,” she said. “Lots of women pay the career price for raising children.”
Should they have divorced sooner?
“No,” he said. “But I would have liked to suffer less. I stayed as long as possible to get this to work and I am proud of that.” She thinks that’s an impossible question: “It takes what it takes to end something.”
How were they able to start over?
She returned to activities she had liked. She began hiking, connecting with friends and taking art classes. She also re-established a close relationship with her family, which had been difficult to do during the marriage.
He focused on his company and on being a good father. They now live in the foothills outside Boulder, about 200 yards from each other. If there were no mountain lions in their neighborhood, their child could walk from house to house.
Would they have done anything differently?
“I assumed we both wanted the best for each other,” she said.
“I feel good about our choices and the timing,” he said.
Is their new life better?
“My vision of the future is brighter,” he said. He is now in a yearlong relationship with a woman who accepts his close relationship with his former wife. His “new normal” includes time with his girlfriend, their families and his daughter. “It feels great to see how far we’ve come,” he said.
She feels better about herself than she ever before. She and her daughter traveled to Ireland recently. “I feel like more of a three-dimensional human now,” she said.
Has either person changed?
He said his expectations about relationships have changed. “When you’re married, you get lazy,” he said. “I now look at my behavior with more scrutiny. As Olga’s friend I can talk with her more honestly.”
She is working on asserting what she needs. “I felt small too much of the time in my marriage,” she said.
Looking back, what advice would they offer to others divorcing?
Stay true to your values, he said. Get past troubleshooting, blame or assigning fault, she said. “For us, it was about being good parents to our child,” she said. “Ask yourself, ‘What will it take to go forward?’”
THE DETAILS
Date of marriage March 18, 2005
Date of divorce Aug. 25, 2017
Age when married Both 28. Now she is 41 and he, 42.
Occupations She is the director of culture and communications for a medical group; he founded a company that raises funds digitally for nonprofit groups.
Children One, a girl, now 9.
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