The way you meet your future spouse sets the tone for everything to come, some people believe, much like the opening music in a movie. This has definitely been true for Jennifer and Charanpaul Singh Gill who recently celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary (and appeared in the Vows column on Oct. 31, 1999).
The two met late one night in Manhattan in September 1994, when Ms. Gill called a car service for a ride home from her job as an editor at Newsweek magazine. Mr. Gill, who is known as Paul, was her driver. It was so dark in the car they could barely see each other. “It was almost like when people go for confession and they don’t know what’s on the other side,” said Mr. Gill, whose family is from India and emigrated first to Britain and later to the United States when he was a teenager.
By the end of the 15-minute ride, though, they had discussed their favorite books and music (he kept a guitar in the trunk for practicing between fares) and he had gotten her phone number. Nearly five years later, they were married in two ceremonies, one Sikh in honor of his background and one Catholic for Ms. Gill, who grew up in Torrington, Conn.
Many of the elements of their meeting — chance, luck, an openness toward strangers, and the experience of making an instant connection — have characterized their marriage.
They now live in Rahway, N.J., in a 1930s house with beautiful woodwork, colorful walls and furniture and several vintage guitars collected by Mr. Gill, 51. There’s a calm, unpretentious feeling in the house that matches their personalities. Even their dog, Scout, seems to have a gentle temperament.
Describing their marriage, both said the most difficult period was soon after the wedding when they began trying to get pregnant. “Had a couple miscarriages,” Ms. Gill, 50, said in her down-to-earth way. “We went through fertility treatments.” She added, “It was hard, really hard. I had friends who were having kids and we wanted to so badly. It just brings home the fact that getting pregnant and having a baby is just a miraculous thing.”
They eventually began the process of adopting a child from China, which involved far more paperwork, personal interviews and delays than they expected. “Right around that time, adoption in China started to slow down,” Ms. Gill said. “What we expected to be a six-month wait turned into a 15-month wait.”
Friends often asked when they expected to bring a child home and they got in the habit of responding, “Oh, May or June.” On Feb. 1, 2007, they got a call from an adoption agency letting them know that a baby girl had been matched with them. They decided to name her “June.”
They traveled to China and waited with several other couples in a bland hotel conference room as the babies were brought in one by one. “They would come in and say, ‘This is so-and-so and she’s matched with you,’” Ms. Gill said. The babies ranged in age from 13 months to 18 months and were all dressed alike, in fleece coveralls the bright yellow color of newborn chicks.
At no point did either of them consider turning back. “It’s like taking a leap off a diving board or getting on a roller coaster,” Mr. Gill said. “Once you’re on it, you’re on it.”
Finally, June was placed in Ms. Gill’s arms. “It was just fantastic,” she said. “She was just holding on to me, not trying to pull away.”
The first days of parenthood were among the most nerve-racking and bonding of their marriage. “You’re looking at each other and going, ‘Am I doing it right?’” Ms. Gill said. “And the other person is going, ‘You’re doing great!’”
Once they got home there were plenty of surprises, beginning with the amount of cooking required with a child in the house. “No one ever talks about how much you have to feed them, like all the time,” Ms. Gill said. “There was no run-up. June was already eating so it was like BAM. Food.”
Nearly two years later, they adopted their son, Kean, from South Korea. Although they were unable to choose the gender, they assumed they would be given a boy. “In Korea, they want to keep their girls,” said Ms. Gill. “It’s the opposite of China.”
For the Gills, meeting their children was similar to their own initial meeting — an instant connection was made. “When Kean was put in our arms and when June was put in our arms, they were our kids,” Ms. Gill said. “There was never, ‘Whose child is this?’”
June is now 13 and Kean is 11. “We are an unusual-looking family,” Mr. Gill said. “We’re quadracial, if there is such a word. But we see ourselves as a family just like any other. For us, it’s always been natural.”
Ms. Gill said, “We don’t really blend in anywhere but I don’t notice. It has made our lives so full.”
Mr. Gill no longer works as a driver — he now specializes in implementing software for financial companies — but driving is still a big part of his life. Along with guitars, he collects muscle cars from the ’60s and ’70s and also created a website, guessthefinalbid.com, where people can predict the final auction price for vintage or rare vehicles.
More than anything, the Gills seem focused on parenthood, which they describe as a constantly unfolding mystery, especially since they are not genetically connected to June and Kean. “It’s been exciting for us to discover who our kids are,” Ms. Gill said. “We don’t have a preconceived notion like, ‘Oh, they are going to be musically minded because Paul is musical.’ It is a mystery. We just let them lead.”
It turns out, June is interested in cross-country running and making tiny sculptures like a balsam wood typewriter the size of a petit four. Kean is into math, origami and tap dancing. The Gills just laugh in their gentle, accepting manner because they are adept at none of those things.
The two rarely celebrate their wedding anniversary, at least not in any fancy, expensive, or time-consuming way. They basically skipped their 20th, although both say there is much to celebrate about their relationship. “Frankly, I can’t believe it’s been 20 years,” Ms. Gill said. “It doesn’t feel like 20 years. It still feels very fresh and new.”
When asked how they have stayed such a tight couple for so long, they don’t have an answer and they don’t seem interested in finding one, either. “I don’t think we’ve done much analysis of our marriage,” Mr. Gill said. “We haven’t dug too deeply. You want to keep some of the mystery. Some things are better left unraveled.”
In their everyday life, the Gills are more comfortable than most with uncertainty and chance. They adopted Scout, a rescue dog from Mississippi, sight unseen. They found June and Kean’s beloved babysitter by tacking a note on a bulletin board in an Asian supermarket near their house.
If you are looking for love, or simply a larger community, this is Ms. Gill’s advice: “Be open-minded to everyone you come across. That’s how I met Paul. That’s how I met June. That’s how I met Kean. That’s how I met our babysitter. The most important people in my life, I met by being open to possibility.”
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