“I know what you’re thinking,” says Martha Stewart. “What the heck am I doing here?”
Here would be a 30-minute burlesque show, complete with black lace bustiers, bedazzled thongs, fake nails sculpted into lethal talons, and Paris Hilton clinging to a spangled Eiffel Tower, because why not?
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The occasion was The Blonds’ annual fashion… something. It’s a fashion show, all right, but it’s more than a runway parade and less than an orgy. Maybe it’s a festival for the beautiful and the damned. Are we praying to the gods of Bedazzlers past? For sure. But this season, we’re also paying tribute to the theeeeeatre, specifically the sensory overdose that is Broadway’s Moulin Rouge. In a Fashion Week first, the designers have commandeered the Al Hirschfeld theater in Times Square and slotted their designs into actual scenes from the musical, which stars dreamboat Aaron Tveit and… I mean, honestly, I kind of stopped paying attention after Aaron Tveit.
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“I have tickets to Moulin Rouge in October,” said Martha Stewart. “I really liked the movie and I really love the actual Moulin Rouge, in Paris! But I came to this show because I’m friends with the producers and the people from the Hirschfeld theater. They invited me, and I want to support them. But The Blonds, what do I know about them? It’s two designers with the last name Blond. They’re not related. They are together. And until now, I have never seen their clothes,” which include so many crystals and gilded seams that a chandelier from Versailles might be missing. (Seriously, has anyone checked?)
Along with beaded nipple covers and spread-eagle dance moves, the show also had several metric tons of confetti and glitter, some of which naturally landed on the audience. “Do you have a very powerful vacuum?” Stewart asked me. “Glitter is one of the most invasive materials ever. A vacuum is kind of the only way to keep it under control.” I mention the fashion trick of using masking tape against one’s eyelids to nix leftover glitter eyeshadow—but Martha Stewart is #NotImpressed. “You’re putting tape on your face? Nooo. I think you might be better off with a steaming hot bath or shower. A really long one. That’s the best way to get rid of everything on your skin.”
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The lights dimmed. The show started. It was a scream-your-guts-out kind of spectacle, with Broadway’s best belting “Lady Marmalade” and dancing like everyone was watching. (We were.) Devon Windsor posed in bejeweled stiletto boots so high, they skimmed her pubic bones. Halima Aden made her Broadway debut in a giraffe-print leather suit. Billy Porter brought a crowd full of drag queens to total silence with a song-slash-sermon from Kinky Boots. And yes, Aaron Tveit appeared to sing the famous “Elephant Love Medley” to actress Ashley Loren, who sang “Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend” like a true pop siren while bouncing a massive leather bow on her butt.
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Too extra for Martha Stewart’s own wardrobe? Likely—but the American icon has her own brand of fashion magic, and she’s not afraid to share it. “The last thing I bought was actually from Wolford,” she said. “It was a very nice piece of underwear.”
No glitter, though.
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