I am a female college student in my first year. My boyfriend is a classmate. We’ve been going out for six months. (Yay!) He’s great. But for Valentine’s Day, he gave me a $50 gift certificate to Panera. (A sandwich shop — really? Where’s the romance?) I waited a few days before I told him nicely that his Valentine’s gift was awful. His response: “At least I got you a gift.” I had no idea I was supposed to get him one. Was I? Or was he just mad because I called his gift lame?
J.H.
Rather than finger pointing here (“Lousy gifter!” “Deadbeat!”), let’s use this conflict as a much-needed opportunity for you and your boyfriend to talk things out. It can be a drag, I know, but it really helps relationships last.
Valentine’s Day celebrates romance, which is a two-way proposition. So, your boyfriend makes a good point about exchanging gifts. Tell him it was an honest mistake and that you’re sorry. (I get your confusion, though: Maybe it’s part of the modern-day illogic of guys always paying for dinner in otherwise equal relationships?)
Now, your complaint is subtler. And turning up the romance level in practical partners is best accomplished over time. For now, make sure he knows you appreciate his gift. Fifty bucks is a lot for most college students, even if sandwiches are a bit pedestrian. (Panera has no sentimental value for you as a couple, right?)
In a month, start a conversation about romantic gestures — ones you’d like, and those he’d like, too. This can be useful guidance for you both. And skew modest. Eighteen karats are great, but for me, the best gifts show my partner is listening: a book I mentioned wanting to read or a surprise visit to a place I loved as a child.
Can I Have This Wine to Go?
Last weekend, I gave a small dinner party. An old friend brought an inexpensive bottle of wine, which we opened but didn’t finish. At the end of the evening, she asked if she could take the remaining half bottle home with her. Flabbergasted, I said sure. Was she rude? (She’s well-to-do financially.)
ANONYMOUS
What’s the upside in labeling an old friend “rude” over such a petty episode? Sure, there are clear etiquette rules for host gifts: We give them and don’t ask for them back at the end of the evening. But I take it you didn’t really want this one.
So, maybe your rich pal is a little tightfisted. (It happens!) Or perhaps you telegraphed your assessment of the wine as cheap, and your friend reasoned (defensively) that only she would drink it. She still shouldn’t have asked for it back. But better to shrug off old friends’ harmless foibles than assign them mean labels.
Don’t Blame This on Baby
Good friends had their first child 18 months ago. Naturally, it has been much harder to see them since the baby arrived. Recently, we booked a dinner with them four weeks in advance. Two nights beforehand, I texted to confirm. The response from one of the partners: “OMG! We have other plans. I missed this thread.” I was left despondent. I suspect they chose a later-planned event over ours due to the language: No “I’m sorry,” just “OMG!” And no message from the partner who made the plan. They suggested another night, but we weren’t free. Can I say something?
G.
As a normal, selfish human being, I can relate. It hurts to lose easy access to friends in new romantic relationships (especially when I’m single) or with new babies (when I have free time). My self-centeredness is usually tempered with happiness for my pals, though. I bet you feel some of that, too.
Don’t blow up your friendship over this. The demands of babies often cause worse than calendar mix-ups. Your friends are likely sleep deprived and overwhelmed. It’s easy to miss a text, or skip one, when we feel overextended. And the silent partner is probably just embarrassed. Still, I don’t love the nonapology, either.
It’s fine to express disappointment over the missed dinner. But do it gently. And try scheduling another dinner, as they did, but give them an extra beat to respond. (They’re swamped!) Things will likely get better soon — at which point, your pals will probably announce their second pregnancy!
Splitsies?
I treated my colleague to a ticket to an expensive fund-raiser as my guest. While there, she bought a raffle ticket and won a $5,000 gift certificate to a local department store. Do you think she should have offered to share it with me? (I do.)
ANONYMOUS
Think of it this way: If your friend had been offered a job during the fund-raiser, do you think she should have offered you half of her new salary? (I don’t, even though, as with the raffle, she wouldn’t have been at the party to receive the offer if not for you.) The tickets — fund-raiser and raffle — were separate purchases. Your friend isn’t obligated to share her winnings, but I would applaud her if she did.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.
